 "It wasn't your baby."The Andes Mountains are brutal. At the foot of the mountains, a group of raiders swept through a remote village in the middle of the night resulting in complete chaos, as one would imagine. They killed livestock, ravaged homes, and even kidnapped a baby. The child’s mother watched helplessly as they disappeared into the dark peaks of the mountains with her infant. When dawn finally arrived, several of the village leaders gathered in hopes of a recovery mission. Armed and determined, they headed into the mountains to track the raiders and bring the child back home. But, after days of scouring the steep, dangerous mountainside, they returned empty-handed. Exhausted and defeated, they could do nothing but apologize to the heart-broken mother.
Then, quietly, the mother set off alone. No packed supplies. No ceremony. Armed with nothing but a single purpose. Days passed, and just as hope in the village began to fade, she returned. Dirty, bruised, and weary … with her baby cradled on her back, alive and safe. Stunned, the villagers gathered around her. Their joy quickly turned to disbelief. The leaders of the village, joyful yet embarrassed, asked with genuine amazement “How did you do what we couldn’t?” Her reply was simple: “It wasn’t your baby.” Why Should We Care? The story isn’t folklore - it’s leadership in its rawest form. The difference wasn’t strength, skill, or experience. It was purpose. When something matters deeply to you - when it’s your baby - you’ll find a way through things others find impossible. In the world of leadership and personal growth, that kind of clarity and resolve is rare. But it’s the key to doing hard things consistently. And, leadership is full of hard things. Purpose drives excellence. It transforms effort into grit and fear into resolve. Leaders with purpose don’t need to shout - they move with intention, and others follow. Teams led by a shared purpose don’t just perform; they believe. And belief is the fuel that carries people up mountains they never imagined they could climb - or would need to climb. REAL TALK - Action Steps We don’t drift upstream. If we want to consistently tap into the true power of purpose, we have to become intentional. Here’s a few ideas on where to start:
The mother’s purpose gave her a strength beyond endurance, clarity beyond fear, and resilience no obstacle could conquer. What’s yours doing for you? Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!
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 Whitewashed TombstonesMickey had his name on the door, the coolest sweat suit, and exuded the confidence that made parents trust him with their son's future. On recruiting calls, he spoke with authority about his knowledge of the next level and the importance of the parent-coach relationship. His resume gleamed with high profile recommendations, coaching accolades at every stop, and the numerous achievements of each player he had coached.
But behind his charming smile, Mickey was drowning. He hadn't actually had the time to watch any recruiting film in several months, relying instead on his assistant's summaries and rankings published by the various media outlets. When the time for recruiting calls came, he flipped on the charm and offered vague reassurances while avoiding any meaningful connection. Mickey never ventured beneath the surface of relationships and rarely stepped outside his comfort zone to even explore his own original thoughts. The façade finally crumbled when his team found itself in the midst of a four game losing streak. Mickey was overwhelmed by the multitude of issues that seemed to spring up out of nowhere, his confident demeanor evaporated as it became clear he didn't understand himself or his own system. Within weeks, the four games turned into twelve. A closer look by his administration revealed his incompetence, and his carefully constructed reputation turned to ash. Mickey had spent so much energy maintaining the appearance of a successful coach that he'd never actually developed the skills to be one. Everything looked great from the outside, but the inside was absent of any true substance - kind of like a whitewashed tombstone. Why Should We Care? There are a lot of people whitewashing their tombstones. And, a lot of them are leaders, or at least in a position of leadership. The danger, I hope you can see, is that the leader's lack of substance is no longer misleading a single person, but an entire group. The human, and often financial, toll can compound quickly. A breach of trust is at the core of the charade. Leadership effectiveness depends almost entirely on trust, and nothing destroys trust faster than being exposed as incompetent or inauthentic. Few leaders ever recover. Teams become cynical, top performers leave, and cultures suffer lasting damage. Prioritizing appearing knowledgeable over actually being knowledgeable not only violates trust, but it propels a leader into a vicious cycle of becoming defensive, risk-averse, and isolated - exactly the opposite of what effective leadership requires. They spend more energy protecting their image than serving their people. REAL TALK - Action Steps Leaders set the tone for their culture. When leaders prioritize appearance over substance, they encourage their teams to do the same. This creates organizations full of people focused on looking good rather than being good - a recipe for mediocrity and eventual failure. Here are a few ideas to help you avoid it:
Leadership often comes down to this simple choice: will you spend your energy becoming someone worth following, or just appearing to be? Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  The Humility of GrowthCuts were made two days ago and guys are transitioning into the ‘storming’ phase of team development. It’s an onslaught for each position and role. Our group is made up of players with varying levels of experience, which becomes apparent as the practices begin to stack up.
Our young players, two sophomores, are extremely talented and hungry to improve. They ask questions and are always engaged in whatever is going on in practice, whether it will pertain to them or not. They care clearly about the team based on their willingness to point out the strengths of their teammates. Their youth breathes life into the group. Our veterans, four juniors and four seniors, are experienced and confident, but a few of our coaches have started to question their coachability and desire to improve. A few of them have not been receptive to instructions from our assistant coaches. This is a significant concern because it points to a larger issue - a lack of humility. And, humility is one of the most consistent attributes of any successful team. The issues were addressed individually with players and as the season unfolded, the same guys who were not open to feedback from assistant coaches were the same guys who became stale and stagnant in their growth. And, ultimately, their position and role reflected it. Why Should We Care? What does it say about you as a leader if you are only willing to open your mind to situations that mirror your own? If you neglect the vast opportunities to learn and grow, what are you conveying to the people watching you? How will you ever expand your knowledge, broaden your impact, or maximize the potential of your team? Every leader acknowledges the value of continual growth. However, acknowledging and acting on it are not the same thing. A leader passionate for improvement always displays a few clear habits: they work hard, prepare, and challenge themselves. Think of those as table stakes. With a deeper look, we must consider the opportunities for growth we seek out and the ones we dismiss. Afterall, learning will be drastically limited if it is restricted only to happenstance. As such, what we are intentionally watching, reading, and listening to will provide the primary source for our growth. And, everything we dismiss is a missed opportunity. An interesting observation from the best leaders I’ve ever seen is an irrepressible effort to learn from anyone they encounter. Never does it cross their minds that someone does not offer them the opportunity to learn. Every encounter is a prized learning experience, every person is a potential mentor. Humility affords us this perspective, just as a lack of humility robs it from us. REAL TALK - Action Steps Humility is within us all - deeply hidden in some, but still there. If we have a choice, of course we choose people already displaying it. However, there are times as leaders we are tasked with drawing the humility out of others. Here are a few ideas for tugging on the right strings:
They say ignorance is bliss. I think self-reliance is too. That is, until it’s not. And, when that switch flips … it’s anything but bliss. The humility to value the potential growth in every experience is central to maximizing ourselves and our leadership impact. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  The Fight For ConsistencyI hand the microphone over to the next speaker, relieved to be finished. I step to the side so everyone knows my portion of the clinic is complete. At the request of the coaches in attendance I spoke on installing our motion offense. For forty-five minutes I gave them everything we do to run, adjust, and evaluate our offensive system.
As I’m thanking the MC for providing me the opportunity to share, a small line of coaches forms along the wall waiting to ask me a question. A few of the questions pertain to our motion offense, a few curious about our defensive approach, and few about our Breakfast Club which I briefly mentioned early in the talk. The interest in the Breakfast Club surprises me a little. The week following the clinic I received several emails from clinic participants, the majority of which were again enquiring about Breakfast Club. Based on the questions I was receiving, I did a very poor job of explaining the true purpose of Breakfast Club. A few asked what we did or how we organized it, but the vast majority had the same question: how often do you have it? If I had explained it correctly and related it appropriately to our core values, the answer would’ve been clear because only one answer makes sense when you understand its purpose. Sure, skill development is part of it, sharing the time with your teammates is part of it, but the driving force behind our breakfast club is to establish the discipline to be consistent. We believe consistency is the separating factor between good and great. At 6:00am, every single day becomes a fight for consistency. Why Should We Care? Whether you’re leading high school athletes or middle aged accountants, consistency is a fight. The behaviors that determine the success of our teams are the front ranks. Once a standard is set, the fight for consistency begins. At first, everyone arrives by the set time. Then, someone is late and there are questions to be answered - how will it be handled? Will he be in trouble? If so, how much? If not, why not? What happens if he’s late again? The most important thing for leaders to understand is that when a standard is violated, everyone is watching - EVERYONE. Each person is checking to see if the violation is going to be confronted or ignored. It’s a critical time for the leader, and the team, because the commitment to consistency is being determined. Address the violation and we stabilize the culture. Ignore the violation and we are telling everyone that the standard is merely a suggestion, at best. It’s also important to note that addressing substandard behavior does not necessarily equate to punishment. The objective for the leader is to create consistency at the highest standard possible. Often that can be accomplished through intentional language. Simply saying, “That’s not what we do” and having them repeat the task until they do meet the standard is often sufficient. Most have tired of this moment to moment combat, but it’s the fight leaders must be willing to embrace if excellence is the objective. REAL TALK - Action Steps So, what does the fight for consistency consist of for the leader? What do we need to do in order to capitalize on this separating factor? Here’s a few ideas to get you started:
Bad teams do the important things well, some of the time. Good teams do the important things well, most of the time. Great teams do things well, all the time. The difference isn’t in what they do, it’s in how often they do it. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  The Privilege of FocusIt’s 2001, I’m twenty-five years old and preparing for my first year as a head high school basketball coach. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing - a fact oblivious to me but crystal clear to everyone around me. I feel like I’m sprinting through the woods in the dark - no clue where I’m going and no clue which tree will be my next obstacle.
The one thing I did know is that I would work at it. I would address every possible situation, every possible circumstance. That, I was sure of. Our team would be ready - everything matters. I would start making a list, too ignorant at the time to realize exactly how incomplete it was:
Each topic has subtopics that have subtopics … there’s a lot. Then, there are things I never consider - like how to introduce myself to the opposing staff so I’m not mistaken for the team manager, which happened more than once. I learned to schedule the bus fifteen minutes earlier than we need to leave because, well, they are apparently allowed to arrive in a window around your departure time instead of the actual time. I discovered how to fill out the scorebook prior to the game to avoid a technical foul - thank you to the kind officials who informed me of this in my first game. The first year of coaching is easily worth five years of experience, maybe ten. I believe one of the most powerful realizations you come to is that while everything matters, everything does not matter equally. The real challenge becomes identifying the things that matter the most and directing your focus to that. What items deserve the privilege of your focus? Why Should We Care? I’m sure you’ve heard it multiple ways over the years: “You don’t get what you want, you get what you emphasize” or “If everything is important then nothing is”. The privilege of focus is attempting to convey the same message: we have to choose. We can do something, or anything, but we can’t do everything - and the more excellence you want, the fewer things you can do. I’m not sure there is a more inaccurate, and popular, quote than “How you do anything is how you do everything”, at least for me. I know how I take out the trash and how I prepare for a basketball practice are not the same, how clean I keep my truck and how organized I keep my office desk are not the same, my preparation for a workshop and preparation for a cookout are not the same. Maybe it’s just me, but I’m not sure I want to commit the mental fortitude to make them the same. Our focus is a privilege. It’s special and should only be granted to special people or things. If we attempt to give our focus to everyone or everything, we quickly lessen our impact - especially with the ones who matter the most. The focus we are directing somewhere else could be making all the difference if poured into the most important. What, or who, is your focus giving the privilege to? REAL TALK - Action Steps In a world of ‘more is better’ we have to be intentional in order to direct our focus. We’re surrounded by bright shiny objects, all of which are calling for our attention. Here are a few thoughts on becoming ultra clear and intentional with your focus:
When we start viewing our focus as a privilege we stop giving it away so freely. It should be coveted and spent only on the things that matter the most. What do the things you do, say, or think about your focus? Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  What Storms RevealCan you imagine what Tony Bennett must’ve been feeling?
It’s 2018 and his Virginia Cavaliers have just completed an incredible regular season, good enough to earn a coveted top seed in the NCAA tournament. Their hopes are set solely on a national championship and there are plenty of ‘experts’ endorsing their chances. But they were wrong - way wrong. The Cavaliers would become the first No. 1 seed in tournament history to lose to a No. 16 seed. It was the biggest upset in tournament history and one of the most notable in all of sports. The loss was an event that would challenge the strongest person, with the potential to destroy one of the most elite programs. Some of these same ‘experts’ were quick to call out Virginia’s “Crash and Burn” performance and deem the program incapable of post-season success. Fast-forward one year and the Virginia Cavaliers are cutting down the nets as the national champions of college basketball - from the first one out to the last one standing. Throughout the storm the leader of the team, Tony Bennett, never allowed the loss to define him. “If you learn to use it right, it will buy you a ticket to a place you couldn’t have gone otherwise” Bennett was noted as saying. The loss wasn’t the end - it was the beginning of something greater. And, without the storm that possibility may have never been revealed. Why Should We Care? Storms are never going to be something we intentionally seek out. I mean, storm chasing sounds pretty cool, but .... Of course, if we’re serious about being our best we find ways to engineer them. A tough workout, a marathon, or writing a book are simple ways we attempt to put ourselves in the path of potential storms because deep down we really know the benefits of them. We seek them out because we know what they reveal. The first thing they do is remind us that we’re going to be ok regardless of the outcome. Afterall, if you’re reading this, then you’re undefeated against all the storms you’ve faced so far. Maybe you chose fight or maybe you chose flight, but either way you won. Ultimately our storms tell us we can. Storms also reveal our belief system. They are an incredible crucible for simplifying life. The chaos presented by a serious storm erases a number of seemingly important values that we may have held for years. The storm clears them away leaving only our strongest, most important values. As they support us through our struggle, the commitment to them only grows stronger. Storms also tighten our circle. There are usually three types of relationships when navigating storms becomes the focus. The first are the people who simply leave. As soon as the wind starts to blow, they bolt. You should avoid them at all costs. The second group of people get some distance, but check on you. They show empathy and concern, but are careful not to make your storm their storm. You should be aware. The third group marches right into the storm with you. They hold your hand, prop you up, or carry you if necessary; but there’s no way they allow you to face the storm alone. You should hold on tight to them. Those are three pretty important aspects of life that storms bring clarity to. REAL TALK - Action Steps Now that we understand the value of storms, here are a few thoughts on how we can best prepare ourselves, and those we lead, to optimize them them:
What a storm reveals is a ‘to be determined’ type thing, but one thing is for sure, good or bad, it’s going to reveal something. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  Excellence of TodayThe transcript of the final plea to remain in medical school from the movie, Patch Adams:
Medical Board: You have been accused of practicing medicine without a license, are you aware that it’s unlawful to practice medicine without a medical license? Patch: Yes Sir, I am. Medical Board: Are you aware that running a medical clinic without the proper licensing can place both you and the public in a great deal of danger? Patch: Is a home a clinic, Sir? Medical Board: If you are admitting patients and treating them, physical location is irrelevant… Patch: Sir, Can you define treatment for me? Medical Board: Yes, treatment would be defined as the care for a patient seeking medical attention, have you been treating patients Mr. Adams? Patch: Well sir, I live with several people that come and go as they please and I offer them whatever help I can. Medical Board: Mr. Adams, have you or have you not been treating patients at your ranch? Patch: Everyone who comes to the ranch is a patient, yes …… And every person who comes to the ranch is also a doctor. Medical Board: I am sorry? Patch: Every person who comes to the ranch is in need of some form of physical or mental help. They are patients. But also, every person who comes to the ranch is in charge of taking care of someone else, whether it’s cooking for them, cleaning them or even as simple a task as listening. That makes them doctors. I use that term broadly gentlemen but is not a doctor someone who helps someone else? When did the term “doctor” get treated with such reverence as, “oh! right this way Doctor Smith” or “excuse me Dr Scholls, what wonderful foot pads” or “pardon me Dr. Patterson but your flatulence has no odour”. At what point in history did a doctor become something more than a trusted and learned friend who visited and treated the ill? Now you ask me if I’ve been practising medicine. Well if this means opening your door to those in need, those in pain, caring for them, listening to them, applying a cold cloth until a fever breaks, if this is practising medicine, if this is treating a patient, then I am guilty as charged sir. Medical Board: Did you consider the ramifications of your actions, what if one of your patients had died? Patch: What’s wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can’t we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity and decency and, god forbid, maybe even humour. Death is not the enemy gentlemen. If we’re going to fight a disease, let’s fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference. Now I’ve sat in your schools and heard people lecture on transference and professional distance. Transference is inevitable sir. Every human being has an impact on another. Why don’t we want that in a patient doctor relationship? That’s why I’ve listened to your teachings and I believe they’re wrong. A doctor’s mission should be not just to prevent death but also to improve the quality of life. That’s why, you treat a disease, you win, you lose, you treat a person, I guarantee you win no matter what the outcome. Now here today, this room is full of medical students. Don’t let them anaesthetise you. Don’t let them numb you out to the miracle of life. Always live in awe of the glorious mechanism of the human body. Let that be the focus of your studies and not a quest for grades which will give you no idea of what kind of doctor you’ll become. Medical Board: Mr Adams, please turn and address the board Patch: And don’t wait until you’re on the ward to get your humanity back. Start your interviewing skills now. Start talking to strangers, talk to your friends, talk to wrong numbers, talk to everyone. Medical Board: Mr Adams… Patch: And cultivate friendship with those amazing people in the back of the room – nurses. They can teach you. They’ve been with people everyday, they wade through blood and shit. They have a wealth of knowledge to share with you. And so do the professors you respect, the ones that are not dead from the heart up. Share their compassion. Let that be contagious. Medical Board: Mr Adams, I demand that you turn and address the Board Patch: Sir, I want to be a doctor with all my heart …. I wanted to become a doctor so I could serve others. And because of that I’ve lost everything, but I’ve also gained everything. I’ve shared the lives of patients and staff members at the hospital, I’ve laughed with them, I’ve cried with them. This is what I want to do with my life. And, as God is my witness, no matter what you decide today sir, I will still become the best damn doctor the world has ever seen. You have the ability to prevent me from graduating, you can keep me from getting the title and the white coat, but you can’t control my spirit gentlemen. You can’t keep me from learning, you can’t keep me from studying. So you have a choice: you can have me as a professional colleague; passionate or you can have me as an outspoken outsider; still adamant; either way I will probably be still viewed as a thorn but I will promise you one thing: I am a thorn that will not go away. Medical Board: Is that all? Patch: I hope not, Sir. Why Should We Care? Indifference … the most terrible disease of all. There’s a fascinating dichotomy concerning our attention. We need to learn from the past, live in the present, all while planning for the future. Yet, the balance must be managed just right in order for excellence to result. Too much focus on the past and we’re held prisoner by what was. Too much focus on the future and we’re frozen by what might be. Both place limits on our potential. A bias for action is a trademark characteristic of excellent leaders. They DO. And, doing can only happen in the present. For them, consideration of the past and future serve as bumpers to direct their next actions. The mistakes offer an opportunity to course correct. Each success reinforces the chosen process. Consideration of the future pushes them to draw from experience. The caveat to this dichotomy is the one, and only, thing we have control over: the present. Those on the path to excellence have realized that today is the only place doing takes place. They use yesterday to improve today and they use today as a step towards tomorrow. For them, there isn’t a dichotomy. There isn’t a balance. There is a clear priority: today. For the best, there is a constant focus on the excellence of today. REAL TALK - Action Steps Staying present is the first step, but there’s more to it than that. How we show up matters. How we engage with people matters. How we perform matters. We are looking to be excellent in the moment, to make today as good as it can be. Here are few thoughts on being at your best today:
The past and the future are important and should be considered, but the excellence of today will always be the determining factor in our success. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  When In DoubtHe sits perched at the far end of the tiny, Graham Junior High School gym as we file onto the court for practice. It’s 1990 and I’m a strapping 5’4” specimen weighing in at every bit of ninety-five pounds. Seventh grade basketball is scary. Since this is pre-travel ball, this man sitting on the stage is our first real coach. His criss cross applesauce position gives off Buddha vibes, but his handled goatee makes you think Yosemite Sam … quite the confusing combination.
Nonetheless, he’s the coach so we listen. He puts us through the same drills day after day to help us master the fundamentals. He installs plays to help us take advantage of our most talented players. He orchestrates conditioning through countless line drills. And, we play … well. Well enough to finish the season off a perfect 16 - 0. At this point, now more than thirty years later, I don’t remember any of the practices and only a few of the games. That’s how it usually goes though, right? The things that stick with us are the relationships and maybe a few key experiences. One of those key experiences came in the form of a consistently shared quote from our Yosemite Sam Buddha that he repeated at specific times throughout the season. It would usually show up as quasi-encouragement for players as they entered the game. As a player would pass by him on their way to the scorer’s table to check into the game, he would offer them one last piece of advice before they took the floor: “When in doubt, air it out.” The basketball perspective on this is clear: if you don’t know what to do with the ball, shoot it. Afterall, a missed shot is better than a turnover. While this is some players’ default mode, it typically isn’t for 7th graders finishing out blowout wins. Only recently have I begun to appreciate a different angle on his advice. Why Should We Care? Who doesn’t deal with doubt? We all do. And, what do we do about it? How do we handle it? Well, we do a lot or nothing … or something in between. Sometimes we are paralyzed by it. We swim laps in our doom loop with no way of exiting the pool. Our performance is sabotaged, our confidence is destroyed, and we are left wondering how we ever got here in the first place. Doubt is a master in self-destruction. We question its origin, but are sure of its presence. Doing nothing with doubt will leave us living in a state of doubt that we accept as normal. Sometimes we move through it. We fake it until we make it, knowing full well we are only a shell of what we are capable of being. But, we carry on. We play the part, give it our best, and live with the results. I mean, what else is there to do? We can’t just flip a switch that removes doubt so pretending it doesn’t exist seems like the next best approach, right? Afterall, we could do worse than persisting in the face of doubt. But, there is another option. We can embrace the doubt, use it as a catalyst to prompt action. We can remove the negative judgment and see it clearly for exactly what it is: a sign that we’re still growing, still getting better, still approaching our best. That uneasiness in our stomach lets us know we’re still alive and something is at stake. A reframing has the power to completely change our perspective on doubt as a whole. Consider for a second a life with no doubts, pure certainty. We would no longer feel the possibility that comes with the wonder of what ifs. We would lose the hope that accompanies uncertainty. We would dismiss the growth garnered from continuous struggle. Comfort, benevolence, and mediocrity would rule our life. REAL TALK - Action Steps While my 7th grade coach’s advice may not have been directly intended to help his players deal with doubt in the bigger picture, “when in doubt, air it out” does address a few important aspects of embracing doubt. Below are a few ideas to make the most of the doubt you face:
Thankfully, doubt is inevitable. It’s a blessing, not a curse. When we choose to ‘air it out’ rather than hold it in, we create countless moments to re-establish, or even elevate, the best version of ourselves. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  Bloody KnucklesMy hands were filthy. A thick layer of dirt had engulfed them like a glove, except for five spots on each hand. Those were immaculately clean and unusually smooth - as if fine sandpaper had been run over each of them thousands of times. Maybe, because it had. The concrete and meticulously placed hoop on top of the garage had become my workshop; the ball, my sandpaper.
Afternoon has turned to evening by now - after a solid hour of countless dribbles that leave your hands tingling, hundreds of shots from every conceivable angle, and, since I’m my own partner, just as many rebounds. I realize any fatigue is merely a mirage when my brother walks out the back door and challenges me to a game of one on one. Immediately I know what the next hour is going to consist of. Not to mention, joy hinges fully on winning. If he wins, he won’t stop talking plus the physical abuse he is about to put me through won’t be worth it. He’s not good at basketball, but he’s big - at least compared to me. He’s seven years older. Every time we play I secretly hope he will find an ounce of compassion and let me win just once. No luck so far. I’ve never beaten him. His strategy, and compassion, haven’t changed. On offense he simply turns his butt to me, dribbles the ball as far away from me as possible, and backs me down. For those unfamiliar with basketball, think of a bulldozer slowly and methodically inching their way right under the rim for the easiest shot possible. He uses his size to his full advantage. I push, shove, and foul my way to game point - next point wins. The problem is, it’s his ball. I try to stand my ground, but he eventually works his way to just a few feet from the rim. As he puts the ball above his head I jump to grab both his arms, swinging on them like he’s a jungle gym. It doesn’t help. He misses his first shot but immediately gets the rebound and puts it in. Game. I’m immediately filled with rage. All I wanted to do was to beat him so I could shut him up. “Maybe next time” he chirped as I walked towards the garage door to pick up the ball. I was calm and cool on the outside, but on fire on the inside. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. Instead of reaching down to pick up the basketball laying against the garage door, I choose a different route. One I immediately regret. I put my fist through our garage window. The sound of the glass hitting the concrete instantly shakes me from my tantrum, just in time to see blood running down my hand. Unfortunately, my hand wasn’t the most painful aspect of the incident. That honor would go to my backside which received five wallopings from dad. The same fire that motivated me to scratch and claw against my brother, the same fire that drove me to practice for hours every day … had just burned my house down. Why Should We Care? Last week I wrote about the pure competition of a child, giving your all in pursuit of nothing but your best. It’s beautiful and fleeting. If only it could last. If only that could be our approach to competition for the rest of our lives. But, it’s not. There is an ugly side to competition too. The ugly side of competition is fueled by the same fire, but with a skewed purpose. Rather than hunting growth through our battles, we begin pursuing recognition and status. The grass-stains are replaced by trophies and we quickly begin to believe that no trophy equates to no growth. What a lousy exchange that we all too willingly accept. This misguided purpose leads us to prioritizing the opinions of others over our own feelings of fulfillment. We go from practicing as a means to maximize and stretch ourselves to preparing as a means to be viewed as superior to someone else or, worse yet, to avoid being viewed as inferior. Our desire to fit in and be like everyone else grows to an all time high. The stakes matter, but they’re relative. A pick-up game against my brother doesn’t appear like high stakes, but try telling that to an eleven year old that wants to prove he’s good enough. To me, those stakes were pretty high. Make no mistake about it, the feelings of inferiority and doubt so many people feel is a result of competition. It’s an external competition we are unknowingly engaged in. And, it’s everywhere in today’s society. The only way to return to the purity of competition is to return to the internal approach of the child. The purpose matters. We had it right the first time. REAL TALK - Action Steps Few things in life are more important than a clarity of purpose. It can provide motivation, inspire persistence, guide decisions, and simplify our focus. Here are a few thoughts to consider when trying to gain clarity on your purpose.
Competition can be a gift or a curse. It can warm the house or burn it down. Purity of purpose and consistent intentionality will allow us to use competition to our benefit rather than our demise. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  Grass-Stained KneesGraham North Elementary school in the no traffic light town of Rosewood, Ohio is alive with a few hundred of Champaign County’s most untamed beasts: kindergarten through fourth grade students. The air in the building is filled with the perfect blend of loving support from teachers that truly cared and nerve-rattling unease from, well, a few hundred six through ten year olds.
It’s 1987 and none of that matters because today we have a football game. The same game we’ve had for the last four days. But, this one is for the championship - all the marbles. That’s right, we were going to decide once and for all which team was the best … for this week - we’ll pick new teams next week … and do it all over again. But, for now, this is IT! We get organized for recess before the bell even rings. I’ve got the football. That’s all we need. We know the boundaries. We know the teams. Now we just wait for the bell to launch us into our sprint to the field, an experience I’m sure most teachers compare to the annual running of the bulls. The waiting is always the worst part. I’ve been waiting since the whistle yesterday called us to line-up and go back inside - easily the worst part of every day, I might add. But, the wait is over. The bell rings and we’re off. The sprint is on. I’m first to the field which means it’s our ball. Suckers walk - they have to go to the other end of the field and kick-off to us. I’m ready. I’ve got my best sweatpants on, with the bottoms pulled up just below my knee as if I’m leading off for the Yankees. Best, by the way, is all about performance and has absolutely nothing to do with appearance - nothing. The same goes for my tall white socks yanked up to meet my sweatpants and the tattered t-shirt topping off the outfit. My school outfit for the day is based solely on what will give us the best chance to win. The most competitive game of recess football - two-hand touch as far as the teachers were concerned - is played that day. Touchdowns are caught, airborne high fives are everywhere, and grass-stains are forever etched into the knees of our sweatpants … I mean, did you even play if you didn’t have any grass-stains? No. No, you didn’t. The grass-stains were the whole point. Why Should We Care? We should care because competing just to compete is being lost. We’re so worried about what we’re going to get or who we’re competing against that we we’re starting to lose the entire purpose of competition: growth, struggle, improvement! Competition is becoming a risk-management decision. Does this hurt my image if I lose? It’ll be better if I don’t put everything into it so I can say I didn’t really try, right? Wouldn’t want to be a ‘try-hard’ after all. What if I go for it and don’t get it? Does that kill my career? What are other people going to think of me? What excuses can I have pre-loaded to soften the blow in case I lose? Is there a way to be really good without doing all the work, making all the sacrifices, and giving up all my time? How far out of my comfort zone is enough? Is there a way I can just appear like I’m a success, without having to do all that? These questions running through our heads are tragic in two fundamental ways: 1. We stop competing; 2. We focus solely on competing with others. All of the questions above are tied to one of these misguided approaches to competition. No competition ultimately leads to a life that reflects back with the unshakable question: What if? We will always wonder what we were capable of doing, who we could’ve impacted, and what true fulfillment actually feels like. Comparison-based competition will take us to a different question: Am I enough? And, if all we do is compare, the accurate answer is ‘No’. There will be no escaping the exhaustion of the chase, the feeling that we don’t belong, and the uneasiness in our own skin. As smart as we are, fourth graders are the wise ones in this area. They’re just trying to get more grass-stains. REAL TALK - Action Steps Here are the grass-stained answers for the questions above:
We don’t get grass-stains from standing on the sidelines. We don’t get grass-stains from playing it safe or hedging our bets. To get grass-stains we have to compete. Sometimes we’ll win and sometimes we’ll lose, but if we’re doing it right we’ll always leave with grass-stained knees. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here! |
About bcI'm a teacher, coach, and parent seeking excellence while defining success on my own terms. Archives
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