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4/27/2020

SHHHHHHH! Why Parents, and Leaders, Need to Talk Less

As parents, we need to make some changes:
When you’re rebounding for your daughter - STOP CORRECTING.
When you’re playing pass with your son - STOP CRITIQUING.
When you’re watching them play a game - STOP COACHING.
As leaders, the same is true.

Why Should We Care?

Leadership is not a dictatorship. Just as we spend too much time with our children telling them what to do and what not to do, we spend too much time and energy trying to control things in our leadership roles professionally. That’s not what leading is meant for. Leadership is meant to empower.

Empowerment requires ownership. Why would we be empowered if we don’t have the autonomy to make our own choices? If we are constantly commanding, those we are leading will never view their actions as their own. In reality, we are creating victims, not leaders. We should always be striving to help those we lead to own their experiences. After all, it IS their experience, right? It’s about them, not us.

So, the question becomes how do we create empowerment? I’ve found one of the most important steps to be very simple. Stop talking.

Of course, there is a time for sharing expectations or relaying a message, but it’s far less than the norm. We need to allow those we lead to experience the confidence gained from choices that lead to excellence and the disappointment from those that lead to failure.

We need to talk less and listen more. Listening is our most powerful tool in leadership. It shows we care, that what they are doing is important. It lets the speaker know their thoughts, ideas, and choices have power. We don’t need to have all the answers. Even if we do have the answers, sometimes it’s better to keep them to ourselves and allow those we lead to discover them on their own. That self-discovery is the path to ownership and empowerment.

Simply consider your most important leadership role, the one in your home. Take the time to appreciate the opportunity you have with your child, and smile. Be grateful for the moment as it is. Constantly correcting, giving feedback, or barking directions robs you, and your child, of the moment. It’s as if you are saying, ‘sure I’m glad to be here, but it would be better if you did it this way. Let me fix you.’ No one needs to be fixed in those moments. It’s the time and experience that’s important.

Here are a few thoughts to keep in mind when attempting to capitalize on the moment:

REAL TALK - Action Steps

4 Square Breathing

A short, quick way to re-center and refocus when a full meditation session isn’t possible. The routine is 1. Breath in on a 4 count, 2. Hold breath in for a 4 count, 3. Exhale breath for a 4 count, 4. Hold breath out for a 4 count. Do 3 rounds. I’ve found 4 Square Breathing to be beneficial for me individually and for teams I’ve led in athletics.

Model the Behavior

The team you lead will reflect you. I’ve seen far too many coaches over the years screaming at their players to calm down. How you say what you say is important. How you listen is important. How you show up is important. Your team is a reflection of you - good or bad. If you’re not willing to pick up trash, don’t expect your team to. If you’re not willing to work late or get in early, don’t expect them to. If you don’t expect your son to complain or make excuses …

Re-Purpose Adversity

Getting fired from your job allows you to explore new opportunities; not getting the promotion gives you a chance to reflect on the quality of your contribution to the company; missing the game winning shot provides you with a chance to model perseverance and resilience. One of our most important jobs as a leader is to help those we lead see adversity in a new light. We are going to face adversity. The better we are at simply seeing failure as a part of life rather than a constant threat, the better equipped we are to overcome them.

Practice R.A.S.A.

I love this acronym for effective listening from Julian Treasure. Receive - pay attention to the person and be present; Appreciate - give signs of acknowledgement and say ‘hmm, okay’; Summarize - say ‘so …’ to recap what was said; and Ask - ask questions after. Listen with an open mind, with the intent to understand. When we are effective listeners, we encourage others to share.
The most beautiful aspect of empowerment is the relationship it creates with failure. When we are empowered, we own our failures and we search for ways to overcome them. When we impede ownership we encourage those we’re leading to make excuses for, pass blame on, and fully dismiss our failures. Help those you lead to lean into failure by listening and allowing them to be free from judgement and correction at times.

For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com. We would love to know how we could help!

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bcg blog

4/23/2020

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The Quickest Way to Trust ... Be Vulnerable 1st

“I’ll trust you when you show me you can be trusted.”
It’s such a common approach that we’ve learned to expect trust, like we’re entitled to it. Gaining the trust of teammates, family members, or co-workers requires intentional actions. If we aren’t intentional about building trust, then we are often building walls that impede it. The courage to trust before being trusted, to be vulnerable first, is the key to forming trust.
Let’s think about it the other way. What does being guarded and closed off from your teammates, family members, or co-workers do? How does it help? We think it may keep us safe, but that safety is just an illusion. We might feel safer in the short-term, but we all know the safety we can create alone is nothing compared to the safety of a group or team. As Rudyard Kipling so aptly explained, “The strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack.”
Why Should We Care?

There is no reason to care … if you don’t want to achieve at the highest level, be a part of something bigger than yourself, or become the best version of yourself. On the other hand, if you aspire to excellence, seek the embrace of a group that truly knows and cares about you, or want to maximize your potential … then caring about getting vulnerable might be for you.

REAL TALK - Action Steps

F.A.M.I.L.Y. - this is an acronym from Coach PJ Fleck: Forget About Me I Love You. The initial questions: What does love look like within our team? How do we express love? What can you show me love? Gary Chapman (The 5 Languages of Love) has an online at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/ which gives great insight into how we best process love - Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

Parents - Have everyone in the family take the online quiz. Each family member should review their results and share 3 ways family members could express love to them based on their results. For family members too young for the quiz, keep it simple - just ask them how you can show them love, then do that. Create a master list for all family members.
Coaches/Managers - Have all team members take the online quiz. Each team member should review their results and share 3 ways team members could express love to each other based on the results. Create a master list for all team members. All coaches should participate as well.
Teammates - Review the results of your teammates and their 3 ways to show them love, create a ‘Care Chart’ to track your connection with 1 teammate each week. Gradually increase the number of teammates you are connecting with each week.

2. Entitlement Ratio - Gratitude is the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and return kindness; foundation in humility and what we have. Entitlement is the feeling of having a right to something; foundation in pride and what we don’t have. Your Entitlement ratio is the amount of things you feel entitled to compared to the amount of things you feel grateful for.

Parents - Have all family members answer the following questions. It’s best if the responses can be written. What are you grateful for? What do you notice you feel entitled to? What do you think your Entitlement Ratio is? What would you like it to be? What are 2 things you could do to be more grateful? Share your answers with the rest of the family.
Coaches/Managers - Have all team members answer the following questions. It’s best if the responses can be written. What are you grateful for? What do you notice you feel entitled to? What do you think your Entitlement Ratio is? What would you like it to be? What are 2 things you could do to be more grateful? Share your answers with the rest of the team - the leader should go first.
Teammates - Focus your ways to be more grateful on your teammates - how could you express your gratitude to your team? Be sure to consider both words and actions to express your gratitude.

3. Walk a Mile in My Shoes - Have you ever thought of what it would be like to be LeBron James for a day? What would be some good things? Some bad things? Feel free to choose anyone’s shoes you want to consider walking in.

Parents - Discuss thoughts on the good and bad for the hypothetical situation. After that, have family members consider walking a mile in another family member’s shoes. Pair family members up and allow them to stay with the same person for a week. At the end of each day, take time to share what their partner’s day was like and what their day was actually like.
Coaches/Managers - Discuss thoughts on the good and bad for the hypothetical situation. After that, have team members consider walking a mile in another team member’s shoes. Pair teammates up and allow them to stay with the same person for a week. At the end of each day, give them time to share what their partner’s day was like and what their day was actually like.
Teammates - Ask follow-up questions about situations or happenings in your partner’s life. Listen more than talk, but show a genuine curiosity and interest in learning more about their life.

Being the first to show vulnerability is dangerous and offers no true guaranteed security. There will be times it does not lead to reciprocated vulnerability and ensuing trust. But it’s the only way to truly gain trust and be a part of a team that is far more capable than you are alone. It’s worth the risk.

For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com.
We would love to know how we could help!

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bcg blog

4/16/2020

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Building Trust - Brick by Brick

A star can be created in a single moment - one brave act, one incredible play - that embeds them in our memory forever. Of course, we know hours and hours of work went into that single act, or play. Unfortunately, that’s not what those observing gather. They see the moment, the sole act.

Trust is viewed the same way. We see a team that is clicking and operating at maximum capacity and we make the false assumption that it just happened. We look at other groups and other teams and wonder what they did. We go to clinics and workshops hoping to hear the secret to these high performing teams, but often leave with nothing more than a few ideas we can apply to our next sale or game.

The reason those ideas fade away is because they don’t truly address the driving force for team performance - trust. Trust doesn’t work like that. Trust is a day by day, brick by brick, undertaking. Those teams performing at an optimal level have invested significant, intentional, time working on their trust - whether we see that work or not.

Why Should We Care?
For those of us leading teams, the recognition of this is vital to our team’s performance. If we want to maximize the potential of our team, we must commit to making this hidden work the priority. This formative time should become our primary focus, not a secondary option.

Here are some tools to foster trust on your team.

REAL TALK - Action Steps

It’s All About the Mortar - What are the parts of a brick house? The bricks are the obvious answer, but it’s the mortar that holds it all together. Without the mortar, there is no house - or at least not a very strong one. Watch the video above . What’s the mortar on your team? What are 3 things you can do to strengthen that mortar? (www.whatdriveswinning.com)

Parents - What are 5 habits, or practices, within your family that make it unique? What makes your family different? As a family, brainstorm as many ‘mortar-like’ actions each member contributes to your home. This is a great time to also talk about family values - those are the bricks!
Coaches/Managers - Have each teammate identify their role within the team and what “mortar” they contribute to the team. Ask each to also share “mortar” 2 other teammates provide to the group.
Teammates - Make a daily goal of encouraging 1 teammate to share his best “mortar” throughout the next practice or workout.

2. Scar Therapy - We all have scars - some physical, some mental - and each one has its own story of how it happened and what you learned from it. Often these stories go untold unless we are asked specifically about it. This activity simply opens up that conversation as a means to allow vulnerability and build trust.

Parents - Parent goes first, sharing 3 scars and a brief story behind each. Then, share the full story about your most memorable scar and why that scar stands out to you more than the others. What, if any, lesson did you learn from the scar? Circle share - allow each member of the family to do the same.
Coaches/Managers - Leader goes first, sharing 3 scars and a brief story behind each. Then, share the full story about your most memorable scar and why that scar stands out to you more than the others. What, if any, lesson did you learn from the scar? Circle share - allow each member of the team to do the same.
Teammates - Follow the same process as in the coaches section. Follow-up with 2 teammates whose story you found particularly interesting. Let them know you appreciate their willingness to share and open up to the team.

3. Hot Seat - For this activity, you may need to establish areas that are off limits. This will be based on what type of group or team you have and the level of openness and trust they possess.

Parents - Parent goes first. For 2 minutes, your family can ask any question they want. The person on the Hot Seat should answer quickly, without filtering or considering. Each member of the family then goes for 2 minutes.
Coaches/Managers - Leader goes first. For 2 minutes, your team can ask any question they want. The person on the Hot Seat should answer quickly, without filtering or considering. Each member of the team then goes for 2 minutes.
Teammates - Follow the same process as in the coaches section. It’s important to be aware that an inappropriate question from a teammate can harm trust as much as the activity helps build it. Respect the privacy of your teammates in areas you know to be sensitive. They will be vulnerable in these areas on their timeline, not yours.

*See the resource page for further details on each team building activity at http://www.bluecollargrit.com/resources.html

The leader in all of these exercises is critical. The goal is vulnerability. Your team will reflect your willingness to be vulnerable. If you want trust, you must open up. Vulnerability precedes trust, not the other way around.

For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com.
We would love to know how we could help!

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bcg blog

4/9/2020

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When Adversity Hits - Double Down on Trust

Our team can’t get a win, workers won’t listen, and we can’t seem to get anyone to understand what the standard is. Immediately we start looking for things to fix. Maybe a new drill or a new sales tactic will help. Or maybe we can just put in more hours, work harder. When none of that works, we start to pass the blame - we must need better players, more talented workers, people that actually want to be here.

The problem we repeatedly fail to realize is that the issue is hardly ever external, yet that’s where we look for the solution over and over. It’s almost always something we could be doing differently, and almost always has something to do with our relationships, specifically trust.

In this post we’ll cover why trust is important, explain how to build it, provide 3 guidelines for building it daily, and share 3 actions you can take today to improve your team's trust.

Why Should I Care?
Here’s what we seem to keep forgetting as leaders: trust is always the centerpiece of whatever the purpose is for our teams. No matter what profession, field, or sport we’re in; trust is the most important element of the team. Once trust is established within a team, the processes we are trying to create will take care of themselves. And whatever the standard is, a team that has trust among its teammates and leaders will consistently meet or exceed that standard. The field or sport we’re in becomes irrelevant. It’s a superpower!

Creating a Superhero
Every superhero has to have a superpower, right?
Superman could fly.
Spiderman could climb buildings.
The Hulk had incredible strength.
When it comes to teams, there is only one superpower. Like those of the heroes mentioned above, the superpower isn’t obvious to the average bystander. Teams all look basically the same, just as our heroes do. They don’t use their superpower unless they have to. But, they know they have it. And they know, when needed, they can call on it. So it is for teams.

Trust is the superpower of teams. Trust is what makes teams stand out, achieve excellence, and create bonds and memories that stand the test of time. Trust is the foundation for all other team dynamics. Without it, you have nothing. With it, anything is possible..

The problem with trust is it’s invisible, like other superpowers. On teams, trust sits quietly behind vulnerability. Without teams opening up and sharing mistakes and weaknesses, there is no trust. Trust is simply at the mercy of vulnerability. But, vulnerability is hidden behind something too - safety. We build trust by building safety.

Safety is the by-product of vulnerability and trust. As a leader, we have no more important job than to establish this sense of safety within our team. Here are a few guidelines to understand when your aim is to build trust with your team:

Grow It. Trust takes time to build. Embrace that fact and be patient.
Guide It. Trust isn’t something you check off the list. You will need to work on it 5 years from now just as much as you do now. It’s never done.
Guard It. Think of trust like blowing air into a balloon. Every small, positive act pushes a little air in and builds a little more trust. Likewise, every small, negative act takes a little air out and diminishes trust.

It is crucial to note, no matter how hard you try you can never fill the balloon all the way up with one giant positive act, but you can certainly let all the air out with one giant negative one.

REAL TALK - Action Steps

Collide More - Proximity definitely matters. The closer, physically, we can be to those we are trying to build trust with, the better. This proximity promotes more 'collisions' (Daniel Coyle - The Culture Code). And nothing builds trust more than interactions. It's so simple we don't appreciate it's power.

Parents - spend as much time in the same room as you can; limit times in bedrooms with the doors shut; even if you are doing different things, being in the same room is beneficial
Coaches/Managers - be intentional about locker/office assignments to force collisions between players/workers that might not interact much outside of practice/work; assign partners in the weight room and for drills/projects to do the same; force collisions through organization
Teammates - eat lunch with different people; car pool; take breaks and talk to people; put down your phone

2. Get Some Touches - Touch connects people. Handshakes and High Fives are incredible ways to build a sense of belonging on your team. It may feel a little awkward at first, but you just have to decide if building trust on your team is worth you being uncomfortable for a little bit.

Parents - create a handshake with your son/daughter and do it every time you leave each other or see each other; make High 5s part of the celebration of anything good that happens
Coaches/Managers - instead of just nodding, smiling, and walking by someone start giving your team High 5s; also participate in the team handshake below
Teammates - make a team handshake, unique to your team; do it the first time you see a teammate that day or anytime you see them outside of practice/work

3. Try Improv - Yes, that's right improv. You don't need to be an actor or professional to benefit from improv. There are some simple warm-ups and games that could easily be added to the start of a team meeting. The growth in trust comes from gently stretching comfort zones, realizing you're still safe, then stretching a little more. And the smiles don't hurt either.

Mirror Mirror - stand 3 inches from your partner, nose to nose; 1 person starts as the leader, the other the mirror; for 20 seconds the mirror has to try to reflect exactly what the leader does; after 20 seconds switch roles
Sound Ball - going around the room the leader begins by making an unusual noise into an imaginary ball he is holding in his hand; he then passes the imaginary ball to the person on his right; this person repeats the sound of the person before him, then makes his own unique sound; he then pass the ball to the person on his right, and so on; Each person only needs to repeat the sound of the person before them, make their own sound, and pass the ball to the person on their right
Heads Up - everyone in the room stands up so they can all see each other; the leader gives 2 commands throughout the game - heads down and heads up; when heads down is given everyone looks down at the ground in front of them; when heads up is given everyone looks up and attempts to make eye contact with 1 other person; if you look up and make eye contact with the person making eye contact with you; both of you are out and can sit down; continue until you have a winner or only 2 remain

Trust isn't easy, but neither is being excellent. Most leaders accept trust as something their team just has or doesn't have and spend no time thinking about how to improve it. That's like coaching a basketball team and not working on shooting. Trust is the life-blood of successful teams. As leaders, we need to treat it as such.

The next 3 posts will provide more detail and ideas around action steps to developing trust on your teams.

For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com. We would love to know how we could help!

1 Comment

bcg blog

SHHHHHHH! Why Parents, and Leaders, Need to Talk Less

bcg blog

The Quickest Way to Trust ... Be Vulnerable 1st

bcg blog

Building Trust - Brick by Brick

bcg blog

When Adversity Hits - Double Down on Trust

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bcg blog

SHHHHHHH! Why Parents, and Leaders, Need to Talk Less

bcg blog

The Quickest Way to Trust ... Be Vulnerable 1st

bcg blog

Building Trust - Brick by Brick

bcg blog

When Adversity Hits - Double Down on Trust

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