bcg blog

Victims: Start Your Engines

“I hear almost every argument is a race for the victim spot.” - Andrea Gibson
Read that again, it’s really good. 

I recently had an incident with a parent that was unhappy with his son’s playing time. He requested a meeting to discuss his concerns regarding the situation, to which I obliged. Nothing unordinary was presented from his lens - he felt his son deserved more playing time, was better than the player that was given his playing time, and expressed the possibility of a personal agenda as being the only rational reason for the discrepancy.

On the other side of this argument was the coaches’ perspective. We felt like we played the guys in that game that gave the team the best chance to win. During that game, at that time, it just happened to not include his son. We did not feel like we were operating by an agenda within the game other than trying to win. 

So, there we were, both in a race we weren’t aware we were running. He presented stats, examples, and opinions mixed with facts to justify his son’s position as the victim. Meanwhile, though I didn’t voice these thoughts, I countered with rational reasons to justify why we played other players more throughout the game. I was validating my position as the victim in my head while being confronted by this father.

We both think we won the race, but really we both lost.

Why Should We Care?
In twenty-five years of coaching, I’ve had my fair share of arguments. Some with parents, some with players, and some with those pesky gentlemen in striped shirts. Regardless, as I look back, I can clearly see my desire to be the victim.

Being the victim justifies us. It wasn’t our fault, there’s nothing we could’ve done about it, the other person is clearly the problem … No matter what explanation we cling to, the reason behind it is always the same: to escape responsibility.

Owning responsibility means admitting mistakes or, worse yet, accepting mistakes that truly weren’t your fault. If that doesn’t seem right you’re looking at it through the wrong lens - try the eyes of leadership.

From a leadership perspective, fault is irrelevant. It’s always everyone’s fault and spending time attempting to pin it to any one person is a futile waste of precious time. The only way to live in this fault-free space is to eliminate arguments, and with it, the pursuit of victimhood.

I mentioned those guys in stripes earlier. One of the best examples of this came from an official I had complained to in a game regarding a call that I thought he had missed. Rather than telling me I was wrong or doubling down on how right he was, he simply said “Yea, that’s what I thought I saw, but I could’ve missed it.” 

He stepped out of the race to be the victim and there I was, left standing there racing myself. With no one else in the argument, I accepted the victim spot but with no fanfare or satisfaction accompanying it.

REAL TALK - Action Steps
Whether we vocalize our race to the victim spot or not is irrelevant. We know if we’re in the race and our actions will quickly tell everyone else. Here are two ideas for stepping out of the race before you get too far in.

• Accept It 
  
  • Accepting is what the official did and sounds like this: “You could be right. Your son may have deserved more time in the game tonight. There is a chance that we could have played him more at different points in the game. After watching the film I should have a better idea of when those windows were.
    
  • What’s lost from a leadership standpoint here? Nothing. You could’ve been wrong. You could’ve been right too, but you could’ve been wrong. Swallow your pride and set your ego aside. By remaining curious and open, we eliminate much of the desire to be the victim.
    

• Address It
  
  • Addressing it sounds like this: “Your son is not a victim in this and neither am I. We both could’ve been better. If he plays to the best of his potential then he will increase his opportunity to be on the floor. And, I will do a better job of making sure all of our guys understand what they need to do in order to maximize their contribution to the team.
    
  • This approach focuses on the responsibility of each party in any team endeavor. All members of a team must own their contribution at all times. Coaches included, there are no exceptions. Every win, every loss, every success, and every failure belong to the same people … the whole team.
    

The problem with arguments is they push both parties in different corners to the point that we can no longer see the other person’s perspective. We are left with racing to be the victim, but the bigger issue is that they block the free exchange of love. And, love is the life-blood of all teams.

Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!