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She Can Laugh

Every morning at 8:00am, for a while now, I’ve sent the same two text messages. At first, they were offered as sagely advice for a situation one of our kids were trying to navigate - a kind of ninja parenting tactic if you will. One I’ve always known they saw cleanly through, but I would mask anyway. Now, I suppose, the purpose of the messages is simply to remind. To remind them of who they said they wanted to be and to remind myself of the hope each day brings to start fresh on just that.

To Gabe: Selfless. Devoted. Neoteny. Attack life! Have no fear! Love you!
To Dink: Thankful. Selfless. Resilient. God-fearing. Keep Smiling! Love you! 

Dink is Ally and she’s getting married this week. Sure, that means I’m old but it’s still awesome. Naturally the monotony of the daily text messages tends to dull true meaning over time, but as I’ve hit send on the message the last few days the meaning has shoved its way back to the forefront. As I look closer, what was once my hope is a reality - and has been for a while. 

Al is thankful. She doesn’t miss opportunities to say it. She doesn’t miss opportunities to show it. She knows exactly where she came from and is unapologetically proud of hanging out with janitors during basketball practice or shoveling cow poop at two in the morning. Al is selfless. There is no better gift giver in the world. She’s always listening, always paying attention to what makes those in her circle smile. She’s never more happy than when she can bless their world with a beam. Al is resilient. She’s a supreme optimist, tough as nails, and more disciplined when convicted than the most accomplished athlete. No one can kill a 30-day shred like her. And, Al is God-fearing. Strong in her convictions, respectful and proud of the person she is. As Proverbs 31:25 says, “She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” Laughing is her specialty.

I’m so thankful Ally feels at home in her own skin. There may be no greater gift a child can give a parent. It allows her to enter her marriage as herself, not a cheapened version of whoever someone else wants her to be. Isn’t that how all of the best relationships operate? We accept ourselves, which frees us to accept others. When we are unable, or unwilling, to accept ourselves, then any relationship we have with another person falls victim to the same judgment we aim at ourselves.

My hope now is that her soon-to-be husband simply accepts her for who she is and she accepts him for who he is. Not the version of each other they might wish existed, or the version that shows up on the best days. The real one. The one that's tired and imperfect and still perfect. The best thing anyone can bring to a marriage is a full sense of self. A person who knows who they are doesn't need their spouse to complete them. They get to complement them instead. 

Parenting is leadership, just with higher stakes. It took me a while, but I eventually realized that we don't get to choose the outcome for our kids, or those we lead. We get to choose what we say and do day after day after day. We get to choose whether we show up the same on the hard days as we do on the easy ones. And, we get to show someone who they are before they fully believe it themselves. What an honor to parent, and lead.

What will it feel like to hit send on the text message Saturday? 
I’m not sure. But, I’m going to send it. 

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