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The Cost of No

Pat Tillman understood it as well as anyone who has ever lived that I know of.
In May 2002, Tillman turned down a three-year, $3.6 million NFL contract offer to enlist in the U.S. Army with his younger brother Kevin. Tillman was 25 years old and the starting safety for the Arizona Cardinals. He had just set the Cardinals record for total tackles and, by every external measure, was a huge success and on his way to stardom. 
For Tillman, this wasn't the first time he said no to more money. In 2001, the Rams had offered him a five-year, $9 million contract. He turned it down to stay with Arizona. The Cardinals were the team that drafted him and we wanted to stay out of loyalty, he would later say. Think about that. He said no to $9 million before he said no to $3.6 million. 
He drove a beat-up truck to a facility full of guys who'd just signed multi-million dollar contracts. He read books in a locker room where most guys were watching their own highlights. He had never fit the mold. He was good being different.
Those who knew him best said Tillman had values that could not be compromised. He refused to let the world negotiate with them, no matter the price tag attached to doing so. Although he never offered reasons for his decision to enlist, his actions were enough explanation. He knew what success looked like to him. He lived by it. Society didn't set the definition. He did.
Why Should We Care?
The night before my daughter's wedding, I received a text from Sherri Coale. Coach Coale, while she is a legendary hall of fame coach, has become a trusted mentor on all things coaching and life. Her perspective shaped in equal parts by humility and wisdom: What a day. Your gift for putting family first. Enjoy every single second. Congratulations.
I've been turning that over ever since. It made me think about all my no's.
The career advancements I dabbled with, was on the verge of taking, but ultimately didn't chase. The opportunities I personally wanted to tackIe, go all in on, but for some reason chose not to pursue. The trips I didn’t make, hobbies I didn’t take up, and social gatherings I skipped out on have all made a lap through my mind in the last few days following my daughter’s wedding. At the time, every one of those decisions came with a cost, as they all do.
The world is loud about what success is supposed to look like. The title. The income. The popularity. It has a way of making you feel the gap between where you are and where it thinks you should be. The pressure is real and will slowly, subtly start writing your definition of success for you if you let it.
The most dangerous version of this is the slow drift away from who you know you want to be. The gradual recalibration of your values toward whatever the room is rewarding. You don't wake up one day and decide to stop living your priorities, like family. You just keep saying yes to a few more things that cost you a little more time. Until one day you look up and the life you're living doesn't match the one you said you wanted.
Defining success on your own terms isn't a one-time decision. It's a daily one. It requires knowing what you actually value, not what you're supposed to value, and then being willing to pay the price of the no when those two things conflict. The no is never free. But neither is the yes.
I’ve often asked myself, if I would’ve changed just one of those choices would my whole life be different? Would the life of my kids have gone differently? And, now I think I finally know the answer: Absolutely. Different doesn’t necessarily mean better or worse, but it surely would be different. 
The world is a lousy mentor. I’m convinced the fastest way to make a mess of things is to make decisions based on what you think the world wants and deems successful. No matter how loudly it shouts, the world doesn’t know. You do. It’s just a matter of whether we have the clarity and conviction to live by it.
REAL TALK - Action Steps
Stop negotiating your definition of success with the world. Building that kind of clarity takes intentional work. Here's where to start.

• How do you define success? 
  
  • Write. It. Down. When the applause stops and the title doesn't matter, what does success look like? Be specific. Most people have never put it in writing, which means it is little more than a feeling. And, feelings are easy to walk away from.
    

• Does my ‘yes’ reflect my values?
  
  • Every yes costs a no somewhere. If my yes doesn’t reflect my values, then the problem isn't a lack of discipline. It's a lack of clarity about what’s most important to you. Get clear on your destination before you start making turns.
    

• Do I honor my ‘no’?
  
  • They are not failures. They are proof that you know what matters. And over time, they add up to a life you actually meant to live.
    

Where are you with your definition of success? Are you living it or are you saying ‘yes’ to things that do not align with it? Are you slowly allowing the  world to rewrite it for you?

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