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Selfish, Not Self-Centered

“I need you to look at me so I know you’re listening.” 

My wife’s warning is usually delivered just as I’m completely consumed in another project, too engulfed to have even the slightest awareness of my surroundings. It’s a skill I developed when the kids were little. Typically I will have been the target of her last few sentences, right before she realized I was in another world. Once eye contact is made, she starts over, astutely assuming I had no idea what she has already said. 

It’s a cute little cat and mouse game we have going on: she thinks I’m never paying attention, I let her think she’s right; I start paying attention, she feels validated. The dance continues. The truth is, I’m always paying attention. It just may not be the topic she is currently addressing. 

As a recovering busy-body, I am constantly working on something. And, one of my superpowers is the ability to block out everything going on around me and focus on whatever it is that I’m working on. It’s usually a gift, although my wife doesn’t always see it that way.

I do see the selfishness of my actions. I share it less as a badge of honor and more as an admission of guilt. The positive is that while it’s selfish, it’s not self-centered. There is a difference. Both will eventually destroy you I suppose, but if forced to choose, I’d rather be the busy body. 

Why Should We Care?
Most leadership advice treats selfish like a dirty word. An emphasis is always placed on putting others first and serving your people. Which is very true, most of the time. But if you lead anything worthwhile, there are going to be stretches where selfish is exactly what the moment requires. Head-down, locked in, temporarily unavailable to everything except the problem in front of you. Excellence requires deep levels of focus at times. 
A leader in the middle of a tough decision is going to become consumed to an extent. He’s going to miss some things or come off distracted. He may need a second reminder before he actually hears you. It’s selfish, but it's understandable. Everybody on the team can tell it's in service of something real. You're not distracted because you don't care about them. You're distracted because you're trying to get something done that matters. That kind of selfishness costs you a little presence, but it doesn't cost you their trust.
Self-centeredness is a different animal, and it's one that will wreck a team in a hurry. Self-centered isn't about being consumed by the work, it's about being consumed by how the work makes you look. They are constantly managing their image, seeking credit. Self-centered tries to dress up as a good leader while being something completely different underneath. Once people sense that everything you do points back to you, you don't just lose their trust in that moment, you lose it in every moment that came before it. They’re forced to wonder how much of it was ever real.
A leader who understands the difference between selfishness and self-centeredness gives himself permission to be selfish when the work demands it, without ever confusing that with the right to make it all about him. 
Isn’t it crazy how two people could be doing the exact same thing, but be viewed completely differently? Your purpose always smells.

REAL TALK - Action Steps
Knowing the difference matters. Here's how to actually live it.

• Let’em Know 
  
  • When you know you're about to disappear into something, tell your people. By taking control of the story they’ll be telling, it turns selfish from something they have to guess at into something they understand.
    

• Check It
  
  • Next time you're about to do something that looks like leadership, check the real reason underneath it. If the honest answer involves how it makes you look, that's self-centered. Catch it before you do it.
    

• Audit Yourself
  
  • Being unavailable is easy to spot and easy to apologize for. Self-centeredness hides in the credit you take, the story you tell, and the way you talk about your team versus the way you talk about yourself. Audit that once a week.
    

Pick your times to be selfish when your team needs you to be. Eliminate the times you’re self-centered, or you won’t have a team to lead.

Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!

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