bcg blog

More Honey

My self-appointed counselor listens intently while offering little more than a slow, subtle side to side head shake. But it’s her pursed lips and squinting eyes that prematurely reveal her disdain and upcoming advice. 

Although she’s provided it to me hundreds of times by this point in my life, she is incapable of refraining from sharing it yet again. As is typically the case, she offers it bluntly, “You know, Brook, you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar.” The warning has long echoed in my head, even though in the moment it races from ear to ear like an Indy car in its final lap. I give it no more thought than a hidden eye roll can offer and I carry on my conversation doubling down on my anger towards the stupidity of the villain in my story. 

I’m venting. She’s listening, patiently, as mothers do. She knows how this plays out. I’ll eventually heed her advice, choosing kindness and understanding over revenge and judgment. But, not right now. Right now, I’m all vinegar.

Brenda Cupps, a saint in sinners clothing. Grace is her superpower. Understanding and patience, her gifts. I’d like to say it’s how she’s always been, but I’ve heard a few too many stories to the contrary. She, no doubt, had a hotside in her younger years. And, I suppose it’s likely more work than she lets on to tamper it so consistently. But, for a large majority of the time that I’ve known my mother, she’s always been a master at choosing honey over vinegar. 

Even though she has claimed to be forty-nine years old for the last twenty five years, I suspect life has seasoned her quite significantly. She has the admirable ability to consistently focus on others instead of herself, see abundance rather than scarcity, and extend grace to people who don’t even know they need it. 

Though she’s never presented it as a leadership lesson, it’s been one of the most impactful ones in my life. Sometimes all we need to do is pay attention.

Why Should We Care?
Fear is nothing more than focus turned inward. Our own frustration. Our own embarrassment. Our own needs. Vinegar, likewise, always starts with us. Righteous anger that we try to disguise as self-protection. Brenda Cupps doesn’t operate from that place, which is exactly why grace comes so easily for her. She is never concerned with managing her own image. 
It's really more simple than we make it. Scarcity thinking says there's not enough grace, patience, or benefit of the doubt to go around, so you better protect your share. Abundance thinking says grace costs you nothing and there's more than enough to give away. From here we realize kindness isn’t a limited resource. We can hand it out like we’ve got a warehouse full of it. Anyone can. Eventually we begin to understand it’s a choice, not a quota.
As leaders, it would benefit us all to acknowledge that the people who need grace the most rarely ask for it. They don't hold up a sign. Instead, they mismanage relationships, snap at strangers, or show up late without explanation. It's easy to assume they know exactly what they're doing and just don't care. But the person acting worst is usually hurting the most, and they're often the last one to see it in themselves. This is where curiosity is so critical. It’s the doorway to empathy. We can't extend grace to someone until you get curious enough to wonder what's actually going on with them. 

REAL TALK - Action Steps
Grace isn't a personality trait some people are born with and others aren't. It's a discipline, and here's where to start building it.

• Choose Curiosity 
  
  • The next time someone's behavior triggers you, resist the urge to label them and move on. Ask why. What might this person be carrying that I can't see? Curiosity is the first step toward empathy, and empathy is the first step toward grace.
    

• Grace is Infinite
  
  • The next time you feel yourself rationing grace, remind yourself there's more where that came from. There always is. Scarcity thinking treats patience and kindness like a bank account you're afraid to overdraw. Abundance thinking knows you can't run out of something that isn't finite. 
    

• Shift Focus
  
  • Fear and frustration are just your attention pointed at you instead of at others. The fastest way to interrupt a spiral of negative thinking isn't to fight the thoughts, it's to stop thinking about yourself altogether. Ask what the other person needs. The negativity has a hard time surviving once your focus shifts outward.
    

Brenda Cupps does not consider herself a leadership expert or claim to know everything about leading other people. But she does live the most important side of it, one honey-over-vinegar moment at a time. 

Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!

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