 Giving & ReceivingIt’s 6:00 am Christmas morning, I’m eight years old, and there are presents begging to be opened. I’m wide awake but my cool teenage roomate, also my brother, is still sound asleep. I weigh the risks of waking him, which mainly consists of a physical beating, but the excitement wins out and I begin nudging him - hoping he would join me on my perusal of the goods.
To my surprise, he agrees and we sneak out of our bedroom to the living room, lit bright by the multi-color lights draped around our Christmas tree. We examine each gift carefully, placing rhetorical bets on the contents of each package. One box catches our eyes. We both have one … and they look exactly the same. His too-old-for-this attitude is shifting back to one of childlike joy. We need to get this show on the road. We wake up mom and dad. They take for-ev-er to get to the living room, but we wait patiently. OK, patiently is a stretch, but we wait. Finally we start passing out presents. My brother and I have four each, plus a stocking. Mom and dad each have one, which they quickly toss to the side as we dig in. In no time we are down to a single package - the one that matches. We tear it open at the same time revealing something we hadn’t even asked for but gladly accept: remote control cars. Not just cars, but off-road dune buggies. Yes, I can now see that it wasn’t that big of a deal but at that moment it might as well have been real cars. Our minds raced bouncing ideas back and forth to each other faster than a ping-pong match over what we might do first. It turns out, we never make it past our first idea. We begin our driving careers with one objective: to be a menace to our two cats. We are enjoying it, but mom is not. Neither are the cats. That’s when my brother comes up with one of his best ideas ever: “Hey, why don’t we tie a hot dog to the back of the cars so the cats chase them?” The rest of our Christmas break from school was now spoken for. We spent hours, then days, racing our cars around the house and yard with our two cats in hot pursuit. It was a great time - for us and the cats. Why Should We Care? I don’t know when the pendulum swings for most people but at some point in our lives a desire to receive gives way to a passion for giving. Atleast, I hope it does because giving is so much better. Now on the other side of the holiday ritual, it’s easy to see that my brother and I weren’t the happiest people that Christmas morning. Mom and dad were. Their gift connected their sons. It connected our family. We laughed. We reenacted. We schemed. What a gift to give. Of course, my brother and I were oblivious to this realization at that moment. We just played. No worry, no concern - just play. We said thank you, but beyond that we simply enjoyed playing with the car and all the experiences that came with it. As the receiver, we are limited to the simple enjoyment of the gift. As the giver, our enjoyment can be magnified by becoming aware of the impact on the receiver. It’s not a revelation, just confirmation. Give more than you receive. REAL TALK - Action Steps How are we sure to be aware of the impact of the gifts we give? That’s a good question. Here are seven boxes to check when you desire to give a gift that will have maximum impact:
At the end of the day, don’t overthink it: give more than you receive. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!
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 Perfectly ImperfectWe’re coming off our first loss of the season. We have a great group of guys this season. Each individual is fully invested in their role and prioritizes the team ahead of themselves. It’s a fun group to coach. Of course, that’s not a challenging perspective since we won our first three games by double digits. Now we’ll find out what the group is really like. Everyone is happy when it’s seventy-five and sunny.
It’s not seventy-five and sunny now. We were out-played in our recent loss. They were tougher than us, competed harder than us, and ultimately made the plays necessary down the stretch to win the game. No more pretending. The truth is out: we’re not perfect. Our season won’t be determined by the loss. Or, maybe it will be. Time will tell. Our hope is that it will be determined by our response to it. The adversity could push us to hold ourselves and teammates more accountable, increase the intentionality and consistency of critical details, and drive us to pour ourselves even more into our roles on the team. But, we realize the adversity could just as easily push us to pass blame rather than take responsibility, trigger apathy rather than focus, and cause us to withdraw from the team rather than lean into it. I like the chances of this group though. That’s not to say we’ll win the rest of our games or a state championship. It just means I think we have a chance to maximize our potential. This group has a key characteristic that all great teams possess: shared ownership. They all think the loss is their fault. They know they aren’t perfect. Which is right where we want to be. Why Should We Care? In this same time frame, our senior leader, and one of our best players, expressed an ongoing struggle with holding other people accountable when he isn’t playing as well. His concern is losing the trust of teammates when he is making mistakes. It’s a common and understandable concern, but in this case an unfounded one. He is clearly the leader of our team. And, as much as his level of play has garnered the attention of others outside the program, those inside the program have been steadily drawn to his consistency of work and unselfishness for years. His leadership has blossomed not because of what he’s done, but because of how he’s done it. His toughness, work ethic, and commitment to the team and program are unquestionable. He is a standard bearer in our program. He demands respect by his actions, and is now figuring out how to use his words. He’s built trust through his steadfast behavior, not his flawless performance. It’s ironic that those he leads are drawn to him because they’ve seen him work through the very failures he is concerned about. Everyone of our failures has the potential to draw others closer to us. Similar to our team’s first loss, it’s all about how we handle it. Vulnerability is an agent of trust. Others can deal with a lot less perfection than we realize when we relentlessly admit and confront our failures. No one we lead is looking for perfection - they can’t relate to it. REAL TALK - Action Steps As much as we all would like to be perfect, the reality is we shouldn’t even be thinking about it. Instead we need to be more intentional about embracing our shortcomings - even searching for them. Here are a few ideas on appreciating the value of our flaws.
While our successes mark our path, it’s our failures that clear the way. They should demand just as much of our attention and appreciation. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  Clear CutIt’s November, 2005. The basketball season is just getting underway and we are in the process of finalizing our team selections. We’ve had a few practices to evaluate our players and it’s time to make our last set of cuts.
All cuts are not created equal. Conversations with upperclassmen who have made teams in the past, but have been passed by underclassmen and are no longer in a position to make the team are exceptionally difficult - assuming you desire to remain humane and empathetic in the process. Other cuts are obvious and more like the dashing of a whimsical dream. This is the prior. And, I am only four years into my coaching career. Not a good combination. The player strolls into the dark locker room where I’m waiting for him, sitting on a stool in the middle of the room facing the door. I’m too young, or ignorant, to connect his nonchalant entrance as an indicator of his misplaced confidence. That awareness would’ve been helpful. I fumbled on. “So, how do you think it’s been going?” I ask as he takes a seat across from me on one of our benches. Hoping, of course, for him to realize he is far behind most of the other players. He doesn’t hesitate, “Great, I’m playing really well.” Not exactly the answer I was expecting … since he had done nothing ‘really well’ during tryouts. I regroup and hope to help him see how far down the list of players he falls. Surely, with a comparison to the other players in the gym he will recognize his shortcomings. “Ok. Where do you think you are compared to the other guys?” Again, he doesn’t hesitate, “Oh, I think I’m definitely in the top seven, maybe a starter.” So much for my good intentions of helping him become self-aware and leading him to the realization that he isn't good enough to make the team. Yes, I realize how dumb of an idea that is now ... but I'm four years into my career. I knew nothing. This kid is unphased. He remains hopeful, or delusional, throughout the entire meeting. After trying to caress his feelings by easing into the unexpected news, I finally realized he wasn't processing any of it. Clearly, I wasn't being clear. I was left with only one option, hit him right between the eyes ... interrupting him mid-sentence I say “You’re not on the team.” Finally, we had clarity. Why Should We Care? In leadership we spend an inordinate amount of time contemplating when and how to deliver messages to the people we are leading. The more teams I lead and difficult messages I deliver, the more I realize it’s less about the message and more about the relationship between the two people that determines how well the message is received. Conversations like cutting a player from your team will always be difficult, but if I had invested more time into getting to truly know the young man then I would not have felt the need to tippy toe around the real message. I could have just told him. Empathetically of course, but I could've just gotten straight to the point. The same is true for the people you lead. You don’t need a perfectly crafted email or a pristine delivery in just the right environment. What you need is a relationship where you can be candid. Instead of spending time on your email, spend it growing your relationships. On the surface it may seem like you are less willing to be frank with those closest to you in order to keep from hurting them, but you know that’s not true. You say what needs to be said to them precisely because you love them. If you don't care enough about them, you just let them figure it out on their own. So, love those you lead enough to be transparent with them. REAL TALK - Action Steps Simplicity and courage is the combination we are looking for. Here are a few thoughts on becoming more intentional about each.
Our willingness to be transparent with others is a reflection of our respect and care for them. Those we lead not only expect that from us, they deserve it. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  The Talent or The TeamWe’re in the midst of putting together a hodgepodge basketball team to compete in the few tournaments being held across the country. It’s 2020 and the majority of the major cities that usually host youth basketball tournaments are shut down. However, there is one place that is still consistently hosting tournaments: Rock Hill, South Carolina.
After a miserable experience with a team, I use that term loosely, constructed based solely on talent and potential; we decide to try the other side of the coin. We prioritize a willingness to put the team first, a desire to pass the ball, and a willingness to serve teammates. Of course we wanted talented players, but unselfishness would take priority every time. Many of these players were always viewed as ‘good’ players, but never as the best. In comparison with the bigger, stronger, faster players they compete against, our guys are typically viewed as a notch, or five, below. Nonetheless, we believe in our guys. We have our team together, so all we need is a name. It came to us around the dinner table as we finished off the remains from the previous night’s meal. Our team name would be “The Leftovers”. Intimidating, huh? It’s perfect. That’s exactly who we are. We’re not a collection of the most talented guys. We’re the ones left after the first picking … and we’re good with that. We immediately call our co-conspirators, the Sheppards, to float the team name. They love it. Uniforms are next. We could get a sponsor and some fancy jerseys with a cool design and each player's names on the back. Or, we could get plain blue mesh jerseys with nothing on them but a stock number screen printed on the back. Which one says Leftovers to you? Right. Plain blue it is. Why Should We Care? The results of our experiment surprised even us a little. We won, a lot. Usually by a lot. And, we never lost. Like all summer teams, especially during the Covid-era, our roster fluctuated from weekend to weekend. Of course, we had our regulars, but the rest of the roster consisted of players that would go on to play college hoops at various levels and a few that would stop playing all together before graduating high school. Regardless of the roster, The Leftovers always won. The priority of the team over talent was undefeated. Obviously we have to be in the talent-ballpark. But, when we are, the team gains a drastic advantage - not the talent. Every. Time. Leaders like to say the team is important, but they don’t believe it. They like to complain about the functioning of the unit, but refuse to lean into members that embody the fabric of the team. As Gandhi so accurately stated, “Actions express priorities.” You never have to ask a leader which they value, just watch: Is the leader attempting to put the best group together to solve a problem or simply throwing the most talent available at it? Is there an appreciation for all roles or an elevated value placed on the roles directly connected to the tangible results? Who gets opportunities - the guy serving himself or the guy serving the team? Does the talent of some individuals allow them more … I’ll call it grace? The biggest challenge we face in the battle between talent and team is our affection for results. There is no question that prioritizing talent can lead to great results at times. And, there is no doubt committing to a focus on the team is a risk that runs the chance of never coming to fruition. Some teams never come together. Most talent earns what the talent says it should. It’s the safer bet. There is one significant downside to prioritizing talent over the team as a leader though: you never reach your full potential. No matter what success you attain, a mutual drive, purpose, and passion of the group to the goal would raise it. Talent is certainly important, and present, on great teams. But, for teams prioritizing the group, the talent doesn’t need to be equal. It just needs to be close … and not nearly as close as most people think. REAL TALK - Action Steps Of course I’m a believer in the team over the talent. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m not very talented. But, I’ve also seen the team do things no amount of talent would produce; create passions and emotions that bond a group that no collection of talent could replicate. Here’s a few ideas on setting that into motion for you team:
It’s your team. Lead it however you want. But, if you aspire for your group to reach its full potential, there is really only one option in regards to priorities: the team is number one. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here! |
About bcI'm a teacher, coach, and parent seeking excellence while defining success on my own terms. Archives
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