 More HoneyMy self-appointed counselor listens intently while offering little more than a slow, subtle side to side head shake. But it’s her pursed lips and squinting eyes that prematurely reveal her disdain and upcoming advice.
Although she’s provided it to me hundreds of times by this point in my life, she is incapable of refraining from sharing it yet again. As is typically the case, she offers it bluntly, “You know, Brook, you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar.” The warning has long echoed in my head, even though in the moment it races from ear to ear like an Indy car in its final lap. I give it no more thought than a hidden eye roll can offer and I carry on my conversation doubling down on my anger towards the stupidity of the villain in my story. I’m venting. She’s listening, patiently, as mothers do. She knows how this plays out. I’ll eventually heed her advice, choosing kindness and understanding over revenge and judgment. But, not right now. Right now, I’m all vinegar. Brenda Cupps, a saint in sinners clothing. Grace is her superpower. Understanding and patience, her gifts. I’d like to say it’s how she’s always been, but I’ve heard a few too many stories to the contrary. She, no doubt, had a hotside in her younger years. And, I suppose it’s likely more work than she lets on to tamper it so consistently. But, for a large majority of the time that I’ve known my mother, she’s always been a master at choosing honey over vinegar. Even though she has claimed to be forty-nine years old for the last twenty five years, I suspect life has seasoned her quite significantly. She has the admirable ability to consistently focus on others instead of herself, see abundance rather than scarcity, and extend grace to people who don’t even know they need it. Though she’s never presented it as a leadership lesson, it’s been one of the most impactful ones in my life. Sometimes all we need to do is pay attention. Why Should We Care? Fear is nothing more than focus turned inward. Our own frustration. Our own embarrassment. Our own needs. Vinegar, likewise, always starts with us. Righteous anger that we try to disguise as self-protection. Brenda Cupps doesn’t operate from that place, which is exactly why grace comes so easily for her. She is never concerned with managing her own image. It's really more simple than we make it. Scarcity thinking says there's not enough grace, patience, or benefit of the doubt to go around, so you better protect your share. Abundance thinking says grace costs you nothing and there's more than enough to give away. From here we realize kindness isn’t a limited resource. We can hand it out like we’ve got a warehouse full of it. Anyone can. Eventually we begin to understand it’s a choice, not a quota. As leaders, it would benefit us all to acknowledge that the people who need grace the most rarely ask for it. They don't hold up a sign. Instead, they mismanage relationships, snap at strangers, or show up late without explanation. It's easy to assume they know exactly what they're doing and just don't care. But the person acting worst is usually hurting the most, and they're often the last one to see it in themselves. This is where curiosity is so critical. It’s the doorway to empathy. We can't extend grace to someone until you get curious enough to wonder what's actually going on with them. REAL TALK - Action Steps Grace isn't a personality trait some people are born with and others aren't. It's a discipline, and here's where to start building it.
Brenda Cupps does not consider herself a leadership expert or claim to know everything about leading other people. But she does live the most important side of it, one honey-over-vinegar moment at a time. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!
0 Comments
 The Gifts You KeepAAU basketball … the mere mention of the phrase typically evokes emotion, few sit on the fence. Some absolutely love it and point to player development, college exposure, and critical experience against equally talented opponents for justification. Others absolutely despise it and attribute the decline in fundamentals, growing selfish play, and increasing stress both physically and mentally on young players as the reasons.
Having been heavily involved in that world for the past twelve years, I can soundly say I’m in neither of those camps. While both are true, or can be true, the real value of something like AAU basketball is completely dependent on how it is processed. More simply put, what you decide to hold on to and what you decide to let go of determines your experience. I’ll share an example from just this weekend. Our team has won 7 of our last 8 games, leading us into a final four matchup against a very good team out of Boston. For the last two weeks we have played in front of hundreds of college coaches and beaten several teams full of high major talent. We’ve played really well, but in this game we did not. We started slow, trimmed the lead down to four in the second half before it got away from us again and eventually lost by twenty. Disappointing for sure, but as a whole we had performed really well and finished much better than anyone projected for our group. Walking out of the gym following the game, I keep my head down but can’t help but hear a parent venting to a friend about some of the other players on the team and the coach, which is me. As a coach, this part of the subscription. When you sign up to coach, you also sign up for fans, parents, and random observers to talk about every mistake they believe you made. I know the routine. I don’t look that way and keep walking. Less than sixty seconds later in the parking garage a couple of college coaches stopped me to tell me how much they’ve loved watching our team play over the past two weeks. One showed me a text exchange with his staff about how much of a clinic our warm-ups were, the other talked about how impressed he was with the level our guys competed at. I thanked them, wished them luck on the recruiting trail and in the upcoming season and finished my journey to my car. Now, think about that contrast no more than a minute apart. The criticism. The praise. Truth to both, exaggeration in both. Both could help, both could hurt. It does make you think, which gift do you keep? Why Should We Care? Imagine you are walking around with a backpack full of bricks. Those bricks are things we haven’t intentionally chosen to carry, but we carry nonetheless. A boss’ unfounded criticism, a comment from a co-worker in the hallway, an evaluation, a rejection, or a compliment that went straight to our head. We treat so much of it like it arrived and we blindly signed to make it all ours. Once they handed it to us, it's ours to keep. It isn't. We get to choose. Most people think they're being open-minded by accepting whatever comes their way. Someone criticizes you, and you assume the mature response is to absorb it. Someone praises you, and you assume the humble response is to shrug it off. That’s not really the case though, not for those valuing excellence. Think about how selective we are in other parts of life. You don’t eat any plate of food put in front of you. You choose what you eat based on your health standards. You don’t wear any clothing that comes your way. You choose based on your fashion preferences or comfort. We sort constantly, without a second thought, especially when it comes to physical things. But when it comes to words, the things that actually shape how we see ourselves and the world, we suddenly go passive. We let them all in. That passivity is expensive. Carry every criticism and you'll live life scared, always bracing for the next voice of judgment. Carry every compliment and you'll start performing for applause instead of for the standard you set for yourself. Either way, you've stopped being the author of your own story. Someone else is holding the pen. The gift you keep is the one you choose … on purpose. Not the one that showed up loudest or last. That choice is available to you every single time. REAL TALK - Action Steps Knowing you have the choice is one thing. Building the habit of actually making it is another. Here's a few ideas on where to start.
You get to decide. Every word, every judgment, every label anyone has ever tried to hand you is a gift. You don't have to take it just because it's offered. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  Charitable AssumptionsIt’s the early days of my coaching career and my ego is running point, clinging tightly to all the rules of a head coach so everyone knows who’s in charge. I’m dressed up, a tie with a snazzy polo vest over it for games. I’m barking orders at practice, making it clear who is in control of the gym. I’m laboring over offenses that help us score and defenses that keep the other team from it. I’m making rules and enforcing punishments. No exceptions. It’s my way or the highway.
Like every organized team worth a dime, punctuality is one of those rules at the top of the list. The rule is simple. If you’re late, you run. How much depends on how late you are. It doesn’t take long making an example of a few players before we have full compliance. Well, except for one guy. Dustin Macy, a senior post player on the team, is the exception. He’s rarely early, which everyone knows is really on time. More concerning than that, he would mix in a few days here and there that he is actually late to practice. He runs, every time. A rule is a rule. The standard is the standard. You do the crime, you do the time. He never complains, just apologizes and runs. I never ask, just assume and move on. There are a variety of assumptions, but all in the same light - critical. I assume he doesn’t care enough about basketball or the team to get there on time. I assume he wants to do his own thing instead of what the team needs him to do. I assume he is just selfish, thinking about himself instead of the team. All critical. All judgmental. Eventually I have a good day. One in which I become curious. One in which my critical assumptions became charitable ones. I finally ask him why he is late. The answer … he was waiting at home long enough to get his little sister off the bus since his mom, who was working, wasn’t home yet. Usually she could make it home, but there were days she would have to stay late at work and he never knew when those were he explained. That’s a pretty good reason. A charitable assumption would have led me to asking much sooner. Which would’ve led me to understanding the value of a standard over a rule much sooner. This situation flipped me from being a harsh rule follower to someone that applies standards instead. From this point forward I realized a golden truth to leadership - fair is not equal and equal is not fair. Why Should We Care? Rules are easy. They don't require thinking, only enforcing. A standard requires discernment, curiosity, and the willingness to see people instead of just policing behavior. Most leaders default to rules because rules are safe. They apply evenly, don't require conversation, and protect you from ever being accused of playing favorites. But evenly applied isn't the same as right. A rule punishes the action. A standard understands the person behind it. And you can't get to a standard without first extending a charitable assumption. The real problem here is that critical assumptions feel like accountability. They feel like leadership. But every time we assume the worst about someone's motive, we're not protecting the team. We're protecting ourselves from the harder work of actually understanding. The world runs on critical assumptions because they're fast. Charitable ones take time, humility, and the risk of being wrong. But they're also the only path to real leadership. Dustin wasn't selfish or uncommitted to the team. He was doing exactly what he should’ve been doing, making the exact decision we would be proud of him making. Charitable assumptions lead to curiosity. And curiosity is the gateway to understanding. REAL TALK - Action Steps Charitable assumptions aren't natural. Here's a few ideas on how to build the habit.
Make charitable assumptions and give people the benefit of the doubt before you give them a consequence. You might find that the real story was never what you assumed. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  The Michelangelo EffectHow cool is this story?
David, the most famous sculpture in the world, was rescued from a block that was abandoned by two other sculptors, not good enough for either of them at the time. The attempts of the previous two left cuts in ways that limited what could be carved in the future. The block was eventually discarded, left outside and forgotten for the next twenty-five years, too flawed to use for any worthwhile projects. Remember, we’re talking about David! The larger than life sculpture that many consider one of the most incredible pieces of art ever. Enter Michelangelo. At only twenty-six years old, he claims the block. To him it wasn’t the ruined slab the other sculptors had seen or the trash it had been left for the last quarter-century. Michelangelo saw a giant trapped inside, waiting to be let out. Rather than the shortcomings and flaws, he saw the inherent strengths and beauty. Over the next three years Michelangelo would chip the marble away to eventually reveal David. The seventeen-foot specimen is dramatically precise and so alive with tension that he looks like anything but a piece of discarded rock. David looks freed. The veins in his hands. The furrow in his brow. The sling on his shoulder. Flawless. The descriptions border on perfection. Where others had seen trash in the stone, Michelangelo saw divinity. Why Should We Care? When I first started coaching and, if I’m being honest, more often now than I care to admit, I reverted to being a professional flaw-catcher rather than a true coach. I reduced coaching, and leading, to nothing more than identifying everything that’s wrong. It’s the complete opposite of what the best do. Michelangelo didn't look at that block and see its flaws. He looked past what it had been reduced to and saw what it could become. Isn’t that our job? Anyone can spot flaws. There’s little talent in that. Flaws are easy, they're right there on the surface. Everyone sees them. The skill lies in seeing the best version of someone before it shows itself. And then, coaching toward that instead of just managing the obvious shortfalls. Most people are led to the societal norm, the accepted expectation. Or, worse yet, to their low point and the worst version of themselves. Instead, we should be leading others based on their best moments or even the one that hasn’t shown itself yet. By leading that way, people start becoming who we see them to be. Think about the coach or leader who changed your life. Odds are they weren't the one who catalogued your mistakes best. They were the one who saw something in you before you saw it in yourself and treated you like that person was already in there. They were chipping away at the marble around you, freeing you to be that best version. REAL TALK - Action Steps For most, acting on the Michelangelo Effect is not natural. We’ve been trained to see the problems and identify shortcomings. It’s served us well but will also limit our ultimate impact if we don’t move beyond it. Here are a few ideas to do just that.
David isn't famous because Michelangelo fixed a flawed rock. It's famous because Michelangelo saw the best possible version of the stone and refused to settle for less. We should be doing the same for the people we are leading. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here!  The Life ScaleIt’s the spring of 2012 and Mr. Wesney, the coordinating principal at Centerville High School, is introducing me as the new head boys basketball coach. The group of athletes and parents that gather in the bleachers is modest. I do my best to make sure my message is not.
I address the expectations of our players, the emphasis on our core values, and the alignment we plan to create from our youth through varsity programs. The message is politely accepted, at least that’s how I read the casual nods. The closing declaration that we would be training and working to compete for a state title is merely brushed off as a new coach’s dream. Which, from the outside, is understandable. Centerville has been known as a football school for the past twenty years and has only advanced to the basketball regional tournament a few times, and never to the state tournament. The first several years will prove to be even more challenging than we anticipate. Time is a requirement for deep levels of trust and buy-in. We give it generously. Our coaching staff consistently chooses to confront behaviors that do not align with the culture we aspire to have. This friction is new to both players and parents, causing some to love the program even more because it’s special, in a hard way. It causes others to opt out, choosing something better suited for their desired workload. Countless hours will be spent watching film, developing players, and stealing every last inch that might give our team an advantage. Weeks will be eaten up by the meticulous planning to guide the progression from our youth to our middle school to our high school program. The first few years are a grind. Establishing the process is exhausting. There will be countless times, we will weigh the sacrifice to the potential reward. But, we always return. More than willing to trade the grueling one experience for the slightest possibility of an unforgettable ten experience. As is usually the case, the trade has been well worth it. We’ve leaned into a lot of ones, but have several tens to show for it. There’s plenty of people more than happy to live a life of fours and fives, but that’s just not for me. Why Should We Care? Most people will never experience a ten because they've made a quiet, unconscious agreement with themselves to avoid the ones. How sad is that - a life with no tens! A life full of fours and fives is comfortable. Welcome to mediocrity. It's not painful enough to quit and not fulfilling enough to light you up. It's just … fine. Fine. The enemy nobody talks about. It keeps us safe. It keeps us stuck. Fine. The most socially acceptable way to waste the one life you have been given. Ones are ugly, exhausting. They cost you sleep. Sometimes they cost you relationships. They invite doubt from others and, worse, from yourself. Any leader who has tried to intentionally establish culture knows this. Any parent who has tried to hold a hard line for a child who didn't want it has learned the exact same lesson. The ones are not a detour around the tens or an unwanted replacement for them. They are the only road that leads there. The problem is that the middle ground doesn't feel like a choice when it actually is. It presents itself as the reasonable option. Take the job that pays well enough. Stay in the relationship that's comfortable enough. Run the program at the level that keeps everyone happy enough. The scale tips slowly with nobody noticing … until they do. What no one wants to tell you is that you don't accidentally stumble into a ten. You have to choose those. And that choice always comes with a cost. When you choose the ten, you choose the one that goes with it. And, unfortunately, you always have to pay upfront. . The ones are not the punishment for wanting a ten. They are the price tag. REAL TALK - Action Steps Living at a ten requires a willingness to sit with a one. That's not a naturally comfortable position for most of us, so it has to become an intentional one. Here's where to start.
Are you willing to embrace the ones for a chance at the tens? Or, are you willing to settle for a life of fours and fives with no shot at a ten? Those are very different lives. Both can be deemed as successful by the public, but only one can provide fulfillment to the individual. Checkout Surrender the Outcome on Amazon and order The Score That Matters with Ryan Hawk & Brook Cupps. The latest blog from Blue Collar Grit can be found here! |
About bcI'm a teacher, coach, and parent seeking excellence while defining success on my own terms. Archives
August 2026
Categories |
RSS Feed