 Unspoken GratitudeIt’s easy to see in retrospect, but why do we have to look back to see it?
For me, it’s almost always a lack of courage to voice it. Gratitude and appreciation for those around you is critical for a leader. The trust it helps create is essential to the accountability and difficult conversations you need to be able to have in the future. I think most leaders recognize the importance of expressing gratitude, but I think most of the people we lead would also agree that they don’t receive it enough. The question is why: Why do leaders dismiss a job well done? Why Should We Care? Let’s begin with the first question: why do leaders dismiss a job well done? The most common response is that the people are doing what they’re supposed to do. They shouldn’t need to be told, “good job” for something they are supposed to do anyway. While I was somewhat raised under this philosophy, I now recognize how important it is to encourage the mundane and boring. Which, if you think about it, should be obvious. We like to think that excellence lies in the great performances and highlights. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Consistency wins. And, consistency is in the everyday. If we stop recognizing and honoring that, then those we lead begin to lose value in the importance of the very things that drive our excellence. Another reason we fail to share our appreciation is a personal flaw - we lack the courage to do so. I know, I know … you’re the leader. You rose to this position because of your courage. Yea, yea … this is different. Now you need to be open and vulnerable. Telling a team member what an incredible job they did on their last project may infer that they could possibly be better than you at that task. Or it could make you sound soft, touchy-feely, mushy! Guaranteed - the longer you lead, the more you realize the importance of relationships. In order to build relationships you need trust. And, there is really only one way to trust and that’s through vulnerability. Call it soft if you want. Those that know would consider it the greatest strength of a leader. REAL TALK - Action Steps The action steps to help with this is difficult because it comes back to individual decisions in the moment, requiring our courage to answer the bell time after time. Here are a few ideas to help you consistently call on your courage.
Saying thank you seems like a simple thing to do, and it is. I encourage you to go beyond thank you. Let those around you know exactly what it is they do that you appreciate. Maybe it’s their smile or their consistency, but the more specific you can be the more impactful your gratitude. For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com. We would love to know how we could help!
0 Comments
 Confidence Over ArroganceOne draws people to you, the other repels them.
One pushes you through challenges, the other allows them to blindside you. One requires self-awareness and humility, the other is literally the void of both. We love confident people. It’s one of the things that pulls us in. When we see others performing with confidence, we are inspired. We want to be around them - heck, we want to be like them. They attack opportunities with, what seems like, no fear of failing. They think about what can go right, not what can go wrong. And, when things go wrong, they bounce right back. They are undeterred by the setbacks. They know who they are and that they’re going to fail … a lot. This is, in fact, what they have confidence in - their ability to respond to adversity. We make excuses for arrogant people. They try to dismiss it as another level of confidence that others don’t understand. It’s not. They don’t inspire, they suppress. And, we don’t want to be around them … yet, we act like we want to be like them! They are never at fault and obstacles aren’t theirs to overcome. They spend so much time and effort armoring up to protect the image, the only thing they are fully aware of is themselves. Why Should We Care? We make too many excuses for arrogant, a-holes. I’m not saying you have to confront them or be friends with them, but you do need to recognize them. If you are trying to lead a team, nothing is more detrimental arrogance. It eats at the fabric of trust needed to make any team effective while marginalizing the efforts and contributions of the humble. Confidence is different. People that are confident understand, and appreciate, the process they have committed to. And, they realize it’s that process they have confidence in. Things will go right and things will go wrong, but the process will eventually lead to the best possible outcome. Standing firmly in that belief is at the core of the confident. They will fail, but they will respond. It appears like they are fearless and, in a sense, they are. The absence of fear is because their confidence isn’t in achieving the goal, which they realize they don’t control. Their confidence resides with their ability to respond, good or bad, to whatever happens. There is no fear because they know they completely control that response. REAL TALK - Action Steps So, how do we live and lead with confidence without pushing it to arrogance? How do we focus on that response and not the result? Reflection and self-awareness are critical, but here are a few specific ideas to get you going in the right direction.
Arrogant people suck. Be nice, say hi. Help them when you can, but stay away from them. There are a lot of great people we can surround ourselves with. Choose them. For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com. We would love to know how we could help!  Dealing Hope5 things you should say to your team more often.
5 things you should say to your boss more often.
5 things you should say to your children more often.
Why Should We Care? Far too often we hold back on sharing our appreciation and gratitude, concerned we will sound weird or different. Say it anyway. We only have one opportunity for each of these perishable gifts. Don’t miss your window. No one regrets sharing feelings of appreciation. What we regret is holding back. I’ve always believed motivation is internal in the best performers. They don’t rely on external forces to determine their motivation from day to day. However, I do believe leaders have a responsibility to deal hope to those we lead. All the examples above are simple ways to do just that, deal hope. As leaders we are often drawn to focus on the weaknesses of our team members - what they can’t do, what they struggle with. As we begin to become more aware of our team members’ strengths, we seem to find more. The more willing we are to look for chances to lift others, the more opportunities we will recognize to do so. REAL TALK - Action Steps There are hundreds of ways to deal hope, and every teammate is different. Trust your gut and live in the courage that will allow you to share all the positives your teammates bring to the table.
Leading is a gift that needs to be shared. Dealing hope is how we share that gift. Look for opportunities with your team, be intentional with your words and actions. Nothing is more fulfilling than helping others achieve things they never thought were possible. We do that by dealing hope! For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com. We would love to know how we could help!  Be a Real OneWe spend a lot of our life pretending.
As children, it was a game. As adults, it’s living. We put on a face of happiness. We pretend to be confident. We fake it until we make it, right? Well, maybe we shouldn’t. Maybe we should spend more time on just being real. Why Should We Care? I remember getting ready for school one day when I was in middle school, struggling to decide on which shirt to wear. My dad happened to walk by my room as I was switching shirts in front of the mirror. Dad stopped, assessed the situation and brought clarity to the situation for me with one frank comment: “People don’t care what you’re wearing, they’re too worried about what they’re wearing.” It made sense to me and helped me realize something I couldn’t really articulate at the time, but I knew I didn’t like about myself at the time: I was fake. My struggle to pick the right shirt was nothing more than a futile effort to appease others. My decisions, in more than my attire, were based on what I wanted others to think, not what I thought. Then I noticed it was everywhere around me too. Now in the real world, beyond middle school, I’ve realized it isn’t any better - likely worse. So much of the time we’re fumbling around as characters in a fictional drama, acting out our next role in the day. An encounter with someone that is authentic is like finding a four leaf clover. It’s to the point now that if you want to be different, just be real. You’ll stick out like a sore thumb. We are all drawn to authentic people, yet we work to avoid it ourselves unsure that our authentic self will be accepted. Unfortunately, we fail to realize it’s the authentic that others are looking to accept, not the things we are trying to fix. The scars, blemishes, and failures that we are constantly pulling the blinds over are the exact things that harden relationships and build trust. REAL TALK - Action Steps Being ‘Real’ is clearly not easy, but it’s also not hard. It’s simply a matter of choice. We can choose to allow ourselves to be seen for who we really are or we can armor up and hide the very things that would provide the strongest connection to others. We like to make it hard by hammering ourselves with a barrage of fabricated stories to justify our facade.
Being a real one is one of the greatest compliments we can get from those we lead. It says we are vulnerable, yet confident ... flawed, yet courageous. And, please notice, real is rooted in what we do, not the words we say. For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com. We would love to know how we could help!  Good EnoughDuring a basketball practice my junior year one of my teammates spilled his water bottle on the court during a break. Coaches and players grabbed towels and practice jerseys to wipe it up as quickly as possible. As one of the players was finishing up, he made his last swipe and frustratedly exclaimed “Good enough” as he got up off his knees and prepared to begin practice again.
At that same time, Coach Z was standing along the side holding a towel waiting for this player to finish. As the player passed him, Z, in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear replied frankly, “Good enough never is.” He dropped to his knee and finished wiping up a few remaining wet spots and we began practice again. No lecture or explanation, he just let it hang there. I had always remembered Z’s comment, but it had not registered completely with me until years later when I began intentionally working to grow as a leader. Why Should We Care? There is one thing all people that people willing to settle for ‘good enough’ have in common: they’re willing to compromise their standards. See, the problem isn’t that job, activity, or duty. The problem is what ‘good enough’ leads to, which is more compromises. There are undoubtedly things you do daily that just need to be completed at an adequate level. They don’t need to be perfect or require your best effort. However, we should be striving to limit these items if for no other reason than it violates our standards. We’re all familiar with the phrase gateway drugs, but we often fail to acknowledge the actual issue with any damaging behavior. It’s not gateway drugs that are the problem, it’s the gateway habits that precede the drugs. The same can be said for ‘good enough’. It’s a gateway habit leading to a gradual decline in our personal standards. Eventually we become master negotiators with ourselves on what is, and isn’t acceptable. REAL TALK - Action Steps So, how do we fight the societal tendency to accept ‘good enough’ from ourselves and those we lead? It’s a challenge, no doubt. The initial focus must be on ourselves. Afterall, no one is going to truly listen to a ‘good enough’ leader.
Even the phrase ‘good enough’ sounds like you’re settling - like yea I’ll do it, but it’s really not that important so I’ll just do the minimum so I can say it’s done. Who wants that to be their standard for anything? Simplify to allow yourself to consistently maintain your personal standards, then commit to living up to that standard moment by moment. For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com. We would love to know how we could help!  Chest PoundingYour accomplishment is truly extraordinary. Among all the other basketball players in the world, it was your 3 pointer that will go down as the greatest of all time. Never to be duplicated or surpassed. And that you did it all by yourself is astonishing. You were somehow able to put yourself into the game, throw the ball inbounds to yourself, and set yourself a screen … then make a shot from twenty-five feet away. Remarkable. On top of that, you developed that phenomenal talent on your own as well. All of the training and practice with no help or guidance. All those lonely days shooting and getting your own rebound. All the sacrifices to earn enough money to pay for your own shoes.
Then, to make a shot that thousands of other high school players make on a regular basis and pros like Steph Curry have made over three thousand times in their NBA careers - that deserves a chest pound. Because you did it, right? All you … I use the basketball example, but it’s really in all professions and walks of life. We see it all around us and, at least for me, fall into it from time to time. It’s human nature, but it’s dangerous for a leader. We would serve our team and leadership credibility well if we were better at recognizing and addressing it in ourselves and those we lead. Why Should We Care? Chest pounding is usually welcomed in the world of competition. Commentators and spectators will often remark on the confidence or fearlessness of the athlete or coworkers will marvel at the relentlessness of the executive climbing the ladder. This celebration is a mirage. It’s not confident and fearless, it’s unsure and scared. They are merely trying to convince themselves that they are confident. The very best, those that are narrowing in on excellence, realize how it pulls apart their team by focusing on themselves. As soon as one task is completed, they’ve already turned their attention to the next. Those stuck on celebrating their own trivial success are amateurs pretending to be pros. The bigger issue is that it’s not only a mirage, but it's a mirage built on lies. The number of people responsible for the ‘individual’ success that you think you have achieved is staggering. And, trying to claim that accomplishment for yourself is selfish, if not narcissistic. We’ve literally done nothing on our own. Acting like we are solely responsible for our success is not only deceiving to those we lead, but also to ourselves. Chest pounding celebrations only further cement this delusion in our heads. REAL TALK - Action Steps The fight is against the ego. We can never escape it, but we can learn to manage it. And, modeling it as leaders is critical. Humility breeds humility and arrogance breeds arrogance. Here are a few ways we can look outside of ourselves and begin pointing to others rather than pounding our own chest.
I’m in the world of youth sports right now, specifically AAU basketball. To say chest pounding is common would be a gross understatement. But, it’s a significant issue throughout society. As leaders, it’s our responsibility to model the characteristics that lead to excellence. One of them, without question, is humility. Stop pounding your chest and start patting someone else’s back. For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com. We would love to know how we could help! Stay Simple Simplicity is something we know is good for us, but we resist it.
We want it, but deny it. I don’t think there is any one reason for our continuous pursuit of more, but I do think it’s ruining our lives. With a few exceptions, there is little that ‘more’ actually helps with. Nonetheless, we treat it like the answer to all of our problems. This is as true in leadership as it is in life. Why Should We Care? In an effort to pretend like everything is important, we attempt to spread our time over a multitude of seemingly critical matters. Just go to the bookstore, or do a quick search, and you’ll find dozens of books pointing you in hundreds of different directions. While all make strong cases, the validity of each resides with each individual. Simplicity begins with self-awareness. Without a clear understanding of what we believe, we have no idea what to stand for - making simplicity impossible. We are left, like most, bouncing from fad to fad while never really committing to anything. As a result, we fool ourselves into thinking we’re living a full life. In reality, it’s indifferent. The culture of most teams follows the same path. We neglect the responsibility as a leader to clearly define what is important in an effort to pretend like everything is important. It’s not. By identifying what matters the most, we shine a light on what those we are leading should be focused on. We can’t expect to effectively cast a vision, hold others accountable, or drive the mission without articulating the critical. Just as we need to highlight the important, we also must recognize what should be eliminated. Simplicity results from the combination of these two. REAL TALK - Action Steps The cleaning of our team’s culture isn’t easy. We tend to value what our previous teams valued, ideas that are in vogue or popular, and things we’ve read or seen work for others. None of those are innately wrong, but they’re not innately right either. We have to do the work to identify what needs to go and what needs to stay.
It’s fascinating to me, really. Everyone tells their teams basically the same things. Yet, some teams consistently do those things while others don’t. I believe a large part of it is how diluted the message becomes for so many. The willingness to stick to the few, simple anchors is but it’s the only way to truly have a culture. You have to stand for something or you stand for nothing. For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com. We would love to know how we could help! The Standard: Vulnerability When we assume a leadership position, we are often focused on spreading our vision or creating our mission statement. It’s an exciting time, guiding others into new territory, but none of those things are the most important job you have as a leader.
Since Jon Gordon’s The Energy Bus book, the talk with a lot of leaders revolves around getting the right people on the bus. I love the concept, but the concept begs the question: how do we know who the right people are? Although I don’t think there is a concrete answer that applies universally, I know one characteristic that is consistent with all good teammates. They’re willing to be vulnerable. I first read the phrase “vulnerability precedes trust” in The Culture Code by Daniel Coyle and have found it to be one of the most accurate, and useful, leadership principles. Not only does it precede trust, but it also fuels it. I’ll offer two examples from our teams that have established the standard for vulnerability in our program. Case In an early season team meeting in 2012 we were doing an exercise called “Favorite Scar Story” in which each team member shares the story around one of their scars. This is typically a fairly safe activity, meaning most people will pick a story that isn’t too revealing. But, it always depends on the individual and that person’s courage. Courage is something Case was never short on. Our first two players followed the typical script. One spoke on a scar on his knee from a bike wreck when he was seven with his brother. The next remembered the scar on his knee from a surgery when he was twelve. Both served the purpose of the exercise of gradually allowing a safe space for players to be vulnerable. Then Case spoke. He shared the story of losing his mom to cancer when he was ten, then his dad passing from a heart attack at thirteen. He talked about the pain his mom endured, how she never complained. And he talked about moving from New York to live in Ohio with his brother to finish high school. His voice fluctuated between confident and scared, unsure of how his story would be accepted by his teammates yet certain he needed to share it. His teammates were silent, fully engaged and connected to every word. They accepted him - they trusted him. And the remaining scar stories … they weren’t at the level of vulnerability as Case’s was, but they weren’t superficial and trivial either. His vulnerability led to a much greater level of vulnerability than was previously shared. Case’s vulnerability set the tone for not only his team, but the level of expectation for teams following him. Max A few months into this season we had a skull session revolving around the idea that you don’t get what you want, you get what you are willing to sacrifice for. This discussion led to an activity we do most years called Team Lent. Each player shares something they are willing to give up for the team. The more significant the sacrifice, the greater the commitment to the group. We began with players giving up the normal things teenagers will give up - XBox, NetFlix, Social Media, etc. Then we got to Max. Max was a talented senior that would have been a mainstay on the court for many other area teams. He had worked extremely hard, never missed a workout, and committed himself fully to earning playing time for our team. He was the kid you rooted for as a coach - you wanted things to workout for him. And they did workout, just not the way either of us expected. By the time we had gotten to the point of this meeting, it was clear Max wasn’t going to get to play a lot of significant minutes. He had several really good underclassmen in front of him at his position and minutes would be hard to find. The disgruntled senior sitting behind younger players is the textbook culture killer for a lot of teams. At the time of this skull session, no one was really sure how Max was going to handle this role. Max pulls his student ID out of his locker and shows it to the team. This recount of Max’s message doesn’t do it justice, but it touches on the primary points. “This is my ID, but it’s representing my identity right now. I’ve worked really, really hard to become the best player I could and I want to play. I believe in what we do, I believe in our core values, and I believe in this team. I’m done worrying about me. I am giving up my individual identity for the identity of the team.” The room was silent and the team was emblazoned with a unity that lasted the entire year. Max’s message grew from Case’s example and set the stage for a historic season. I realize we can’t select our team solely on vulnerability. There are many other factors that must be considered, and that are important for any group to maximize its potential. That being said, it’s hard to go wrong with a teammate that is self-aware, humble, and courageous enough to initiate high levels of vulnerability with your team. I would argue that they are THE most important pieces to the entire puzzle if excellence is the pursuit. For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com. We would love to know how we could help! Is Perception Reality? I’m sure you’ve heard the popular quote, “Perception is reality” attributed to Lee Atwater. While I understand, and can appreciate, the intent behind it; I find it difficult to fully accept.
Reality is often thought of as a strict, rigid truth. Something that doesn’t vary, never changes. It either is or it isn’t. This absolute view of reality leads us to judgement of right or wrong, agree or disagree. Afterall, if reality is … well, real. Then any view contrary to it becomes inaccurate. Perception is generally considered one’s opinion, not a truth. It’s something that depends on the person and could even change from day to day, situation to situation. There is nothing absolute about a perception, everyone’s is slightly different. It’s practically impossible to completely agree on. Here’s the thing though, it doesn’t matter. Perception or reality, doesn’t matter. Why Should We Care? We spend far too much time trying to figure out who is right. We would be much better served to spend that time, and effort, pursuing understanding. For example, our perception of another person’s intent in a conversation is meaningless. We are usually ignorant to that person’s experiences, priorities, and feelings. Attempting to predict someone’s perception without knowing those factors is futile. Our focus should be understanding. Seeking to understand allows us to fend off the desire to judge. There is no good or bad. This, of course, is a challenge. When we hear, feel, or experience something our brain immediately creates a story to help us make sense of that situation. It often takes the form of blaming someone else or defending our actions. Of course, we think our story is true. Unfortunately, it rarely is. This is precisely why we need to dismiss all of our stories and begin searching for understanding. REAL TALK - Action Steps Our perception is a result of our stories. And, our reality is dependent on our experiences. Neither is absolute. But, both are important. It should be our goal to understand our perceptions and define our reality. We should be doing the same for others.
Our perceptions are a result of our stories. Our reality is the processed version of that reality. In order for either of those to be trusted, we must take the time to recognize that our initial experience, thought, and feeling is a fraud. For more information on building excellence in your teams, visit us at www.bluecollargrit.com. We would love to know how we could help! Choosing Other's Path
|
About bcI'm a teacher, coach, and parent seeking excellence while defining success on my own terms. Archives
April 2021
Categories |
RSS Feed